My Boys Can walk. Earth hour plans, March 2011

This year with the boys being that much older, we've got alternate plans for Earth Hour tomorrow night. In previous years we've lit the candles and played card games, or forgotten the candles and played catch with the foam balls. It's amazing how much ambient light there is in the house, what with the charge lights from the phones, and digital clocks on the radios, microwave and stove.We rarely experience true darkness here the way I did in Malawi.

Earth hour is a much talked-about topic at their school. They were going to have special activities this afternoon which I'll hear more about when they come home. They are very excited about our plans to go for a walk tomorrow night, probably because I mentioned the hot chocolate we'd be taking with us. We'll walk the neighbourhood and talk about our beautiful planet and all the many ways we can care about it to make things better.

Enjoy your own Earth Hour. If the weather permits, maybe a walk would be a good idea for you too. For me, it will be a reminder of those 5 years I spent in Malawi where almost everyone got along quiet nicely without so many of our North American amenities.

My Boys Can cry.

It always bothers me to see adults jumping around and waving toys in front of a crying child in a ridiculous attempt to provide a distraction so the kid stops bawling.

Crying makes us human. It's one of our defining characteristics. Think of another mammal on Earth that has the capacity to cry. Drawing a blank? Me too. So why does our society have such an issue with it?

This member of society has no problem with crying and I had no intentions of conditioning my boys to suppress such an important characteristic of our human nature. I saw no point in it. How could I tell them not to cry without sending the message that their pain was not important? They hurt, so they cry, but Mommy says don't cry, so Mommy doesn't care that they hurt? That's the reasoning I would take and I'm a lot older than 3.

Crying is such an effective means of communication that I would argue we spend a large part of our adult life trying to find socially acceptable words to replace it. A baby cries. Any Mother who has spent more than 24 hours with her child will easily name 3 to 4 different types of cries and in seconds she will know exactly what her baby is saying: I'm hungry; I have a stomach pain; I'm uncomfortable; I'm tired. Perfect communication in one crying sound.

Even though the type of crying and the reasons for it has changed over time, my response to the boys hasn't altered that much.  

• if they are upset enough to cry, then in their mind it's justified. Whether I'd be laughing on the inside or not, I always took their emotions seriously. I can't count the number of times the younger one came into the house holding his head and tell me he'd hit is eye on the van....
• acknowledge their reason for crying. Talk about it. Help them work through their emotions. Sometimes the tears were caused by physical pain and I'd tell them I knew how much it hurt, and sometimes it was emotional and we'd talk about their behaviour that lead to the crying. Whatever their reason, talking about it as the tears flowed let them know that I knew their pain was important to me and by extension, they were important to me. 
• give them time. I always let them cry sitting on my lap while I wiped their face. I'd give them as long as they needed. And usually it wasn't long. They wanted comfort and validation and they got it. They would calm down and we'd talk about what happened. They would recover quickly then be off and running again, all upset forgotten. 

When the boys were young I didn't react to their 100s of falls and when they saw that Mommy wasn't going to come running at every little bump, they'd just pick themselves up without a peep and continue playing. Even at the ages of 6 and 7 they will have some wipe outs that make me cringe but they think nothing of it.

When they cry though, I'm not telling them Shush Shush. I'm not bouncing them on my knee. I'm not trying to get them to talk or think about something else. I'm not running off for a favourite toy to jingle in their face. I'm not offering them a cookie or the chance to watch tv.

They want my time and attention and they've got it.

My Boys Can walk. Coping with comments from friends

One of the more persistent questions I had to survive regarding my young son was "Is he walking yet?"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, as the saying goes....

But seriously, I was asked that question A LOT. And I did my best to remain friendly and civil while I replied "No", but near the end I was ready to wring anyone's neck who dared to ask.

My son was born with a big fat head (just like Mommy) and a long skinny body (just like Mommy) which made him rather top heavy and incredibly flexible. For the longest time he never bothered to crawl because with the flip of his hips and a twist of his torso he could cross the rug to the toys, avoiding tables and chairs and couches with ease.

When he did decide to start crawling, he looked like that African lizard with his bum coming up to his shoulder on one side then swinging around to his shoulder on the other side as he darted across the kitchen. I took him to a play group at the library when he was about 12 months old and he was the only one who wasn't walking (and yes all the Mom's were sure to point that out to me in case I hadn't noticed my son didn't walk) but when he crawled across the floor to the toy box, the Mom beside me said "I have never seen a kid move that fast" as she watched him basically running on all 4s.

The art of movement. A baby will do what works best for them. I've heard of kids who were experts at rolling. They could roll anywhere. My son did that for a while. His skinny little neck muscles didn't stand a chance holding up that head of his so he'd twist and roll and contort himself where ever he wanted. It was fascinating watching him pass under the coffee table without EVER hitting it.

After a while, a baby will discover that crawling is a faster way to get where they want to go. And they will stick with it as long as it works. My son could move like lightning on hands and knees so why try walking? I wasn't concerned or bothered by the way he moved around and I certainly wasn't going to interfere by pulling him up before he was ready. So I bravely tolerated The Question and the shocked intake of breath that inevitably occurred each time I answered No. Then a new question came: "Aren't you worried?" After hearing this one for a while, I'd say "I'll worry if he's not walking by the time he's 5." That was sure to put a lid on further comments.

He started walking at 15 months. This was considered Late. Everyone hovered around to wait for the next developmental phase that must surely also be Late. Now I had new reasons to secretly roll my eyes as the unfolding of my child was microscopically charted by everyone but myself.

I never worried about the physical development of my son. I let nature take it's course. I had no interest in plotting Milestones and watching Development Phases and following Charts that said what he should be doing at so many months of age. I didn't pressure my baby to conform with the medical standards of the day. In my heart I knew he was fine and normal and I didn't give a hoot about what everyone else thought he should be doing.

When he was 6, I took him to meet the new dentist. She was very impressed with him on a number of levels and out of the blue she asked me "Did he start walking late?" I was so taken aback but I told her Yes. She said "I thought so. Children who did a lot of crawling are much better developed. Now they are getting kids in kindergarten to crawl around on the rug to help with their development because walking too early is not considered good."

It seems like the 'medical standards of the day' are aligning with 'letting nature take it's course'. I could hope.

My Boys Can sleep anywhere. A skill that lasts a lifetime

The knack to sleep anywhere under any circumstance is enviable. Vast amounts of literature attests to the fact that sleep issues plague a large proportion of the population and sleep-related research continues to be a well funded topic.

As a new mother, I was under pressure to implement society's more pervasive rules and regulations around infant feeding and sleep that happened to be in vogue at the time. To Schedule Feedings or to Feed on Demand. To Keep Them Up so they slept when it suited me or Let Them Sleep Whenever. After about 30 seconds of thought, my decision was made. I eat when I'm hungry and I sleep when I'm tired so why shouldn't they?

Happily, this was a smart decision to make though I didn't realize it at the time. My first boy was a very quiet little soul so a happy, content little baby on the rug would turn into a sleeping little baby without nary a peep. No matter where he was, if he was tired he would sleep. And I would leave him. 

My second boy was the exact opposite. Why was this kid screaming all the time? Why couldn't I comfort him? Why couldn't I calm him down? I remember being extremely frustrated, stomping down the hall, tossing him into his crib and stomping back to the livingroom. Immediate silence. Aha. So this one cried when he was tired. After I figured that one out by the time he as a year old I was much better at getting him settled in places other than his crib.

Today both boys can sleep anywhere at any time. And I wholeheartedly believe it's because I did not overly control their sleeping environment when they were little.

• let sleeping babies lie. If they are safe and warm there is no need to move them. They are learning to sleep in different locations. You'll love this when you travel and they have to sleep in places other than their own familiar room and their own familiar crib.
• let there be light. If they are sleeping in a bright room in the middle of the day, so much the better. Don't pull the curtains and don't make it dark for them. I bet we all wish we could sleep in less than dark conditions.
• let there be noise. If the radio or TV is on or you have to make some phone calls, go ahead. Resist the urge to creep around lest you disturb your sleeping baby. Having them sleep through noise will make your life a whole lot simpler. The last thing you want is a baby who wakes up early and exhausted just because the phone rang.

Learning to sleep anywhere at any time I truly believe to be one of the greater gifts I have given my boys. And I'll admit that I'm envious of their ability to fall asleep without being in a dark room under many blankets with earplugs in and the door shut. And God forgive anyone who phones.

My Boys Can throw a fit! Understanding your child's tantrums

Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?

Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.

When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.

Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.

Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.

So what can you do about it?

Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.

Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.

It won't last forever.

My Boys Can drive me crazy! Controlling your temper with your children

To avoid the misperception that my boys are well-behaved, enjoyable, respectful little darlings whose company is a delight every waking moment of the day, let me tell you nothing could be further from the truth. Sure I have the upper hand most of the time and I stick to my rules about being a Yes parent and not having double standards and making sure that work comes first etc. etc. but my own moods and my own level of tolerance for their antics can have a big effect on how things go day to day. Sometimes they can really bug the heck out of me. 

I can usually tell when I'm having an off day, when I'm particularly short tempered and am likely to throw a fit at the drop of a hat:

• something they do all the time suddenly drives me nuts. For example, normally they set the breakfast table even though I usually hear "Why do I have to do it?" but some mornings that question will make me want to scream. The first clue that I'm particularly edgy is the instant feeling of anger over something that's routine.
• my tolerance for their behaviour is zero. The horse-play around here is a mainstay and it's usually very amusing to watch because the little one can easily hold his own against the bigger one but some days even a little wrestling can be enough to make me throw both of them outside.
• my mood deteriorates during the day. I start out being a normal parent in the morning but by the end of the day I could put both of them up for sale. 

Learning to control my temper began very early in my marriage because I didn't want to fight with my husband. Besides, it was useless and unproductive (I did try a few times...). Controlling my temper with my kids however, was a different skill. I wasn't dealing with another adult, I was dealing with small children who could not defend themselves verbally or physically. When I get REALLY ANGRY with them I can totally understand why child abuse is so prevalent in our society. It takes determination and strength on the part of the parent to stop themselves from doing real damage to their child. And remember, those harsh words you throw are just as lethal as anything physical.

When I know I'm feeling short-tempered and edgy and something small has set me off, I tell the boys exactly how I'm feeling. "Mommy's not in the mood for any nonsense today so cut it out." Obviously there's a certain tone that goes with these words but the point is, I'm telling them exactly how I feel. 90% of the time they know me as a tolerant, patient, loving parent so they deserve fair warning when that's not the way I'm feeling.

I'll gain control of the situation. If it's something that has slowly escalated, I'll shut it down so the 'source of my anger' goes away completely. For example, they love playing in the kitchen sink but after a while when water is all over the counter and they've got their feet in the water and their shirts are wet, I will have had enough. Instead of flying into a rage which would be very confusing for them I get them out of there, dried off, changed and things cleaned up. I make the source of my anger go away.

Stepping out of the room is a tactic I use in those situations where I feel that rage welling up inside me and I don't trust myself to stay in control of my emotions. Walking into another room gives me those 3 seconds alone to tell myself to calm down or quickly find something else to fill my mind - a distraction no matter what it may be. I will stay away from the boys as long as I feel that overwhelming anger inside me.

Practicing self-restraint and controlling one's temper and being mature and reasonable and loving are very admirable traits that I don't have all the time. And judging by the number of children who are killed every year by their parents, I'm not the only one who struggles with self discipline. It takes a conscious effort, it takes self-control, it takes coping skills, it takes energy and effort, it takes determination. And I'm proud to say my boys have no reason to be afraid of their parents.

My Boys Can eat what I eat. Not being a double standard parent

I've always been bothered by the expression "do what I say, not what I do". I didn't hear it a lot growing up thank goodness, but when I did I always thought it was ridiculous. The divorced marriage counselor, the overweight dietitian, the chain-smoking medical intern. Do what I say, not what I do.

I'm not a double standard person and I certainly wasn't going to be a double standard parent.

This was easy of course when the boys were very small. After all, a diet of breastmilk doesn't call for a lot of variety. But when they were older and teeth were visible and diets expanded to suit their growing bodies, there was potential for two sets of rules around food; one for my husband and I and one for them. Not the direction I wanted to go. I also didn't want the boys to develop any "food issues" that could lead to skewed perceptions and stresses and insecurities around eating. As far as I was concerned there were no bad foods, just bad amounts.

I've always had a sweet tooth, I've always eaten when I was hungry and I've always eaten whatever I wanted. None of that was going to change just because the kids were around. On top of that I was preparing for Ironman Canada so my calorie intake was impressive and constant. How could I tell the boys not to eat a row of cookies or a bunch of chocolate before dinner when that's exactly what Mommy was doing? 

Not being a double standard parent AND being a Yes parent (see my earlier post about being a Yes parent) went hand in hand rather well:

• when I ate, the boys ate. No matter what time I was eating I always offered the same food to the boys. At night after a ride, mid-afternoon after our rest, while we were making dinner, it didn't matter. If I was eating I was also offering the same food to them.
• no restrictions were placed on food. The boys would see me eating all sorts of things at any hour of the day. Any type of food was fair game and they had the same opportunities.
• most of the time, they would have a little of what I was having to "keep me company". But if they needed a proper meal, I would have them put their treats out first so they knew they could have them later.

And the result of doing this for years? Amazing. Neither one of my boys over-eats. They stop when they are full and since they eat the healthy things first, the stopping usually happens after a small bite of cookie or a few spoonfuls of ice cream. No foods are coveted over others. Since there were never any restrictions related to food and the boys always had access to whatever they wanted (though I would control the AMOUNT they had), things like chips and chocolate or cookies never developed the currency value of gold to be stolen and hoarded when Mommy wasn't looking. Even now when I'm eating these things and offer them to the boys they are more likely than not to say No Thanks.

In our house, food is not a bargaining tool. It doesn't control our schedules. It doesn't dominate our thoughts and emotions. It doesn't control our behaviour.

In our house, Food knows it's place. 

My Boys Can get cavities

I love brushing my teeth so it was easy for me to get into the habit of brushing the boys' teeth when teeth started to arrive.

When they were around the age of about 4, we started the trips to the dentist. Initially it was to sit in the chair and have the hygienist take a quick look around, maybe use an instrument or two. At that point there wasn't anything going on with their teeth and I was delighted that the boys coped so well with the intimate experience of lying back in the chair and staying still while a strange lady poked and prodded.

So you can imagine my horror when my oldest was 5 and the dentist told me he had 7 cavities. SEVEN. I was stunned. How could that happen? My husband's insurance allowed visits every 9 months so it hadn't exactly been a long time since our last visit.

"Elaine" she said, "when my son was 5 he had 8 cavities." 

To be honest with you it never occurred to me that maybe she was a crappy dentist. She's a lovely lady and had always done a great job on my own teeth. She said it can just happen. It doesn't take much for food and sugar to do a number on baby teeth. 

We never have juice or pop in the house but we do eat the cookies and cakes we make. Obviously the brushing I was doing wasn't enough to prevent damage. Forewarned is forearmed so I ramped up the brushing and when my youngest was 5 he only had 2 cavities. Horrible but I'd seen worse hadn't I. About a year later we started using an Oral B Vitality spin brush. It's easier than using a manual brush and does a much better job. No new cavities thank goodness.

And I never thought about putting an end to the cookies and cakes....

My Boys Can work first and play later. Teaching your children to delay gratification

Call me a skeptic but when I see today's kids with their cell phones, MP3 players, haircuts with expensive highlights, piercings, makeup and nice clothes, I think "Did you work for those things?"

Hands up those of you who remember saving your baby-sitting money for months so you could buy that new radio for your bedroom. Or calculating how many pay cheques it would take from your job at McDonalds earning $6 an hour to buy a new pair of jeans.

There are a whole bunch of blog topics related to work ethic, money management and the amount of value placed on material things but what I want to talk about now is the oh-so-important psychological ability to delay gratification. 

Work first, play later.

People who work first and play later know what it's like to sacrifice something of themselves to get something they want. Their time and energy, intellect, physical labour, whatever is required to complete the task at hand has value and hopefully the reward they receive reflects that. It's how the world works.

Teaching my boys that work comes first and play later prepares them for the real world. And as their parent ultimately that's my job. Giving them everything they ask for carte blanc without helping them understand the time, effort and money needed to provide those things gives them a completely wrong impression of the real world.

When the boys were very young, I involved them in whatever work I was doing whenever possible. Helping make the beds would mean getting the wrinkles out of a blanket or helping to set the table would mean putting out the napkins. At this young age, it was my language and doing things together that mattered. Their reward was the praise they received knowing they were being a very big help to Mommy.

When they were a bit older, about the age of 3 or so, I would let them see their reward first before we tackled the work at hand. If the reward was doing some baking (extremely exciting to both of them) or playing with a messy toy that only came out on occasion, the bowls would come out or the toy would be put on the table. I would give them their work instructions (usually cleaning up) and it would be completed in a jiffy because they could see what they were getting in return.

Now that they are 6 and 7, the work first and play later concept is well established. They will tell me they want to get all their homework done so they can play games on lego.com. Or if we talk about weekend plans, work and play are always discussed together because they know homework and reading has to be finished before we can do anything fun.

Sometimes I wish the world didn't work the way it does. In my lazy moments I would love to be handed gobs of money for nothing in return. But that's fantasy not reality. And I wouldn't feel I was doing a good job with my boys if I only showed them fantasy. 

My Boys Can Listen. How not to nag your kids

Stop squawking and LISTEN!!

I've been around more than a few professional nags in my time and they are a hard bunch to listen to. Not only that, their nagging is pointless because they rarely get what they want from the person they are nagging. 

I don't nag my husband and I sure wasn't going to nag my kids. In my humble opinion, anyone who is constantly bombarded by a stream of instructions - be it nagging or otherwise - quickly learns to tune out ALL of it and not listen to anything. When the person doing the nagging is the parent and the child is tuning them out, the parent usually alters their tone or changes their language to get the child's attention. Things escalate.

So when the boys were small and I found myself asking them again and again and AGAIN to do things I suddenly realized I was turning into a nag.  Furthermore, our quiet peaceful household was being disrupted by ME who was doing all the yelling and screaming. 

I was turning into someone I didn't like and I wanted to stop it in a hurry.

If you catch yourself nagging your kids, you may want to try some of the tactics that worked for me: 

• tell your children about your new No Nagging Rule. Be clear! Look them in the eyes while you tell them. The boys were very small (about 2 or 3) when I implemented my own No Nagging Rule. I told them both "Mommy is tired of asking you to do things so many times. From now on I'm only going to ask you twice."
• be prepared to be ignored. Chances are they will ignore your No Nagging Rule just like they've ignored everything else you've said for the past 2 years. Stick to your policy. I always gave the boys choices (see my earlier post) but if I asked them twice to do something with no results, I would make the choice for them and step into action. Silently. If they asked me what I was doing, I would tell them that I asked them twice, they didn't listen to Mommy so now we were doing things my way. This always resulted in major protest as well as a lot of action on their part.
• be prepared for set backs. The boys would be great for very long periods of time. Months would go by with them listening to their choices and they'd make decisions and things like cleaning up and getting ready for bed would be smooth sailing. Then they would go back to ignoring me. I'd find myself asking them repeatedly to do things then the 'you're being a nag' alarm bell would go off and I'd have to start all over again by looking them in the eyes and explaining the No Nagging Rule. This cycle lasted for years but I always stuck to my policy of not allowing myself to turn into a nag.
• instead of repeating your instructions more often than your rule allows, ask them "What did I say?" They'll be able to tell you, believe me. If they aren't hopping into action, you'll have to take the conversation to the level of consequences. For example, the boys always prefer me to tuck them in rather than daddy. If I asked them twice to come and get ready for bed and they didn't listen, I'd tell them fine, daddy would tuck them in. Howls of protest but too bad so sad, I would not give in. For weeks afterward every time I said "Time for bed" they were there in seconds.
• they dish out what you serve so don't say anything to your children that you don't want said back to you. Thank goodness my husband and I don't swear so that's never been an issue but I've also been extremely careful never to tell the boys to "SHUT UP!!!" (even though I've wanted to on many occasions) because I don't want them saying that to me. Fair is fair. But what is very funny is now the youngest will say "Mommy, I asked you to make my sandwich and you're not making it. WHAT DID I SAY?" Yeah well.

A few days ago I asked the boys if they wanted a snack with their hot chocolate and since both ignored me their trays stayed empty. They wailed pathetically when they realized this but I said "I asked you and you ignored me so if you want a snack, get it yourself." They've been on point ever since and likely will be for months to come. 

Saying the same thing over and over is exhausting and constantly being ignored is hard on the self-esteem. But with a little fortitude and a lot of consistency, you can remain the normal person you love and not degenerate into someone you don't want to be like, for example, a professional nag.

My Boys Can make choices and live with the consequences. The benefits of being a Yes parent

When the boys were little, I was determined to be a Yes parent. Why? Because I was surrounded by No parents and I couldn't stand the way they talked to their kids. No you can't have that. No you can't do that. Don't touch that. No you can't go there. Put that down, you can't play with that. No No No.

I was taking a huge risk by being a Yes parent. I didn't know any other Yes parents and I certainly wasn't getting the support of my family who were all convinced I was headed for trouble. I didn't know if being a Yes parent was going to be one of my bigger mistakes in parenting because I couldn't exactly consult a crystal ball to see how the boys would turn out and there weren't any kids around who were products of Yes parents. I certainly wasn't.

But now I have some evidence to share and I'm thrilled to report that being a Yes parent was one of my smarter and more creative moves.

My decision to be a Yes parent was based on a couple of ideas I had about children in general;

• all children, even young ones, need a sense of control over their lives. There is so much in their worlds they can't control, I think it's important to give them freedom where you can.
• all children, even young ones, can make decisions. They can also learn about consequences related to their decisions. 

Being a Yes parent means giving your children choices. Use your choices to set the boundaries while saying Yes.

• when your kids ask if they can do something that makes you uncomfortable, fight your urge to say No. Think for a minute. Think up some choices for them that will keep them within acceptable boundaries then let them decide what they want to do. 
• keep choices very simple for very young children. When it was time to clean up the livingroom, I'd say something like "Do you want to pick up the blocks or pick up the cushions? Mommy's going to help too." Or if it was time for nap "Do you want to sleep on the rug here or in your crib? Mommy will bring your blanket if you like." You are meeting your own objective (cleaning up, getting them down for nap) BUT you are giving them choices as to how they are going to meet that objective. They decide. 
• agree with your children as often as you can. When the boys would say something like "I want 10 cookies" I'd say "Fantastic idea, they sure are good aren't they." We'd get out a plate, count out 10 cookies then I'd say "All these cookies are for you Honey but first let's have something healthy." They never ate more than one cookie after their lunch but the point is they were so happy being able to look at that pile of cookies that was all for them. They decided how many cookies they wanted and they also decided how many they would eat. Rather stressful for me but I was pretty sure they would only eat one, or maybe 1/2 a cookie before telling me they were finished and that's always the way it worked out.
• help them understand the consequences of their choice when they want to change their minds. Many tears would be shed if one told me he wanted the yellow cup rather than the blue one that he had chosen. A lengthy conversation would ensue while I explained that I had given him the choice of cup and he had decided on blue so his brother had the yellow one. He could choose the yellow one tomorrow if he wanted but right now he'll be using the blue one. Tough Mommy for not switching the cups? If I did that, how the heck would they ever learn to cope with the consequences of their decisions? 

Obviously I didn't say Yes all the time but I sure tried to when they were 2 to 5 years old and the results have been amazing. First of all, I've trained myself well so giving them choices remains an easy habit of speech. The issues are larger and the decisions are bigger but the boys still call the shots for the most part. "You want to eat 10 cookies? Then do the vacuuming AND shovel the driveway." 

Meeting my objectives. 

My Boys Are Polite. Teaching Manners to your Children

Mind your manners. Otherwise your...

Dad was British and born in 1920 when the attitude that children should be seen and not heard was still the mainstay. In our household of 6 kids, that rule also applied but probably more for the sake of Mom's sanity.

But I have to ask; how many times have you been talking with a friend when their child makes a little peep and your friend whips around like CPR might be required? 

Or you're having a conversation with an adult and their child comes running up and starts jumping on them and yelling "Mommy Mommy guess what?"

Children who have no manners well, I've always found to be annoying. Blame my upbringing, blame my lack of tolerance, blame my short temper but I can find no earthly reason why children should be allowed to be rude and inconsiderate to others. How much harder will it be to teach them appropriate social behaviour if they have established years of INappropriate behaviour? If they are constantly allowed to be the centre of attention, imagine the culture shock when they start school with 19 other children (also accustomed to being the centre of attention) and they suddenly have to put up their hand before being acknowledged or wait for the Talking Rock before they can speak.

Teaching manners to children is an ongoing process that I started early.

• have young children say Hello to your friends and neighbours. When the boys were very small and our neighbour was in their garden, I would call the boys to stand beside me and tell them what to say, eg. "Say good morning to Mr. Johnson". Interacting with other adults is new at this age and telling your children exactly what to say gives them encouragement and confidence.
• carry the conversation for the child. Give them cues, they'll likely need them. "Show Mr. Johnson your new bucket for the sandbox." Even if your child does not speak any further, they are learning to interact socially with a non-family member. 
• when out with your child and you meet one of your friends, include them at the beginning and the end of the conversation. "Oh look, here's Sarah. Say good morning to Sarah, Honey" and when you're leaving your friend, "Say bye-bye to Sarah, see you later". You've had your visit with your friend while being sure not to ignore your child.
• do not let your child interrupt your conversation with another adult. If the boys tried, I'd tell them "It's not your turn to talk" and I'd continue listening or talking with my friend. Be consistent. They always wanted my attention so they tried to interrupt each time I was talking with someone else. But letting them interrupt and take my attention away from the other person would have only reinforced their belief that they ALWAYS came first.
• show your child respect at all times. If I am speaking with someone in the school yard and one of the boys comes to stand beside me, I will stop my conversation and greet my child, ask them to say Hello to my friend then tell them to stand quietly while I finish. I've acknowledge my son within the context of my conversation without being rude to my friend or my child.
• children have important things to say. Teaching your child to participate in conversation means including them when it's appropriate and having them wait patiently when it's not. It's a balance. Diverting ALL your attention to your child ALL the time has consequences in their behaviour just like diverting NONE of your attention NONE of the time has consequences in their self-esteem.

It may seem silly talking about teaching manners to children but manners are an important skill to have. And they are always at the forefront of my mind whenever I come across those kids who are "old enough to know better" but have never been taught.

My Boys Can Read

With all the fooferah in the news about boys and their inability to read and how they are always years behind the girls and we must change our teaching methods and what about using comic books to teach them or even better put all the boys in separate boys schools, Society had me convinced it would be a miracle if my kids knew their ABCs by the age of 10.

Of course none of this changed my approach to raising them in their early years. I had also heard some research that said children who received no teaching prior to school reached the same academic level by age 7 as those who did receive intensive teachings in daycare and preschool. Me and my boys were having too much fun out in the mud during the first 4 years of their lives for things like letters and numbers to get in the way.

When I registered the first one for Junior Kindergarten, a package arrived in the mail 2 weeks before school was to start. It detailed expectations for the child at the beginning of the year along with goals they would hopefully attain by the end. The child was expected to know their name, ABCs, count to 20, know basic shapes, colours, body parts, print, the list went on and on. 

I hauled him inside. "What's your name?" I said. "I'm STUPID!" he said and fell over laughing. I never called him by his first name and he knew 'stupid' was a bad word so of course this was hysterical to him. 

I was in big trouble. My kid was going to fail Kindergarten. 

For the next 2 weeks we all sang the alphabet song and when we weren't singing we were counting. I called him by his first name constantly and he constantly thought I was mad at him. We practiced our address, colours, printing, we crammed for JK. By the beginning of school he wasn't exactly up to speed but he wasn't a blank slate either.

During the first 2 months of JK the teacher thought my son was deaf. He didn't talk and he didn't respond to her. She told me later if he hadn't improved by December she would have talked to me about him but she knew he'd never been in day care and those kids tend to take longer to warm up to the classroom setting she said. 

JK was 2 days a week. The ABC books came home and he learned his letters. Books with sentences came home and he read the sentences. We'd sit together for reading time, he'd sound out the words following my finger where I pointed to only those letters that made a sound. After he read, I would have him practice his printing by writing out some sentences. By the end of JK, he was reading at the level where they were expected to be at the end of Grade 1. By the end of Senior Kindergarten, he was reading at a mid-Grade 2 level.

I now realize that my first boy's ability to learn to read so quickly was a little unusual. But I also think the method I used helped immensely. English is a tricky language and many words rely on sight recognition. When your child is reading to you,

• point only to the letters that make a sound. Explaining rules of grammar to a 5 year old is too overwhelming, assuming you remember the rules yourself. At this age they need to practice recognizing the same word on many pages.  
• when they have finished reading, have them print out some (or all) of what they have read. Printing reinforces their reading and when they see the same words over and over again (and, the, went, came, etc.) they quickly learn to spell them without looking and read them without sounding them out. Result; their reading becomes more fluent.

With a little one-on-one your boys too can surpass Society's expectations.

My Boys Can Focus. The benefits of limiting the number of toys for your Toddler

I guess I'm the type of parent who would be considered a nightmare by the Toy Industry. Let me explain. 

When I had children, I knew what I didn't want.

I didn't want a kid who couldn't look at something for more than 5 seconds before throwing it aside and demanding something new. I wanted my kids to learn how to spend time with a New Thing. Examine it. Explore it. Be interested in it. Use all their senses to figure out as much as they could about it. Push it. Roll it. Drop it and pick it up again.

I wanted my kids to have an attention span longer than a millisecond, to be able to focus their attention, because in this day and age of over stimulation the importance of the power to concentrate seems to be overlooked. 

When they were babies, the first thing I did was stop the flood of toys right at the front door. 

• be firm with family. Everyone wants to give something to express their joy and happiness over the arrival of the new baby but if you're not careful, you'll soon be swamped with toys you don't need or want. I've been in homes that looked like a day care centre; toys everywhere and no evidence at all that adults lived there too.
• be specific with your requests. The last thing you want to do is hurt people's feelings. Have a list ready of things you actually need, including favours for yourself such as providing a casserole for dinner, coming over to spend time with the baby while you sleep, or doing some grocery shopping for you.
• be consistent. You'll have to go through the same routine with your family each birthday and Christmas but it will be worth it, otherwise your place will look like a toy warehouse. Also, I always told my family not to worry, I'd be delighted to spend their money later on things the boys needed. At that age, you're not going to get two summers wear out of the same set of clothes...

I don't remember having specific toys for the boys when they were babies. Anything I gave them was new to them whether it was a stuffed animal or a plastic block. They would sit on my lap and take as much time as they wanted to explore whatever it was they were handling. As long as they were interested in it, shaking, dropping and looking for it, they had it with them. Even when it seemed like they were finished, I would handle the toy next and we'd spend some more time exploring it together. This was working at their speed, taking their amount of time and extending it a little bit to establish those patterns of taking TIME with something.

When they were older and sitting on their own and crawling, they had a wider selection of toys but it was still a small amount by many parent's standards. Nothing was battery operated, their imaginations had full rein.

• the most played-with toys were little because they fit in little hands. The small Tonka trucks were played with for hours on end every day FOR YEARS. They never seemed to run out of ideas when playing with those trucks because their imaginations were in the driver's seat. 
• building blocks were a different toy every time
• they had space to play. The hallway was the racetrack, the pantry was their hiding place. They weren't restricted to a certain area of the basement.

Rightly or wrongly, I successfully managed to strictly control the number and type of toys that entered our house. It was still always two big cardboard boxes filled to the top when everything was put away, but compared to one lady's house where she had floor to ceiling shelving with labeled storage boxes full of toys from end to end, I did pretty good. 

And the boys? Both have exceptional attention spans. The 6 year old will sit with a 20 page Lego manual and patiently build his jets step-by-step following the pictures. This may take an hour or longer, depending on the model. The 7 year old will sit at the breakfast table and do all his homework at once. I can't take full credit for their ability to concentrate but suffice to say, I'm THRILLED that I had a hand in teaching them how to spend time and really focus on one thing at a time. 

Less Is More. Which doesn't make me at all popular with the Toy Industry.

My Boys Can FIGHT! - Keeping the Peace in your Domestic Kingdom

Waiting for their bath

My parents never fought so I knew the kind of marriage I wanted. But fighting between my sisters could get out of hand and this was something that I was determined to prevent in my own household. 

When the boys were babies I would listen to parenting programs on the radio about how to be a calm and loving and 'lead by example' type of Mother. The horrors and the LONG TERM DAMAGE of physically disciplining your children was another popular topic and you were definitely a loser of a Mother if you couldn't use your Gentle Voice to smooth the rough waters of your home. And geepers, beware anyone who actually SPANKED their child for the full Wrath of the Law would descend upon you and deem you unfit while they rescued the poor babes from your inadequate care. 

Then my babies turned into toddlers and Peace left in a hurry.

When my boys fought, my creative and imaginative powers jumped into action so I could reclaim my peaceful household. And I learned a bunch of things over the years: 

1. Your approach to breaking up fights will evolve as your children grow. When toddlers around the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 years fight, it could be triggered by being overtired, hungry, a bump by their sibling, an uncomfortable diaper, a toy they can't reach, any number of things. Attend to the one who is crying (or crying the hardest!) first and look for obvious reasons for the breakdown. And don't waste your time if you can't figure it out. I can't count the number of times the boys would be playing nicely together for a long period of time when suddenly all hell would break loose for no apparent reason. When they are this age, put some space between them with your body and provide comfort to both. Attention from Mommy is the balm that's needed here.

2. When little angels around the age of 3 to 4 are having a tiff, wade in there and pull them apart. Break it up as fast as you can. Hoping and praying they will sort it out on their own is wishful thinking and only makes you look delusional. You need to get in there in a hurry and grab arms, legs, whatever you can to pry them apart. Once they are separated physically, you may be able to determine what set them off but unless there's a clear provocation by one, both children need to hear that their behaviour is unacceptable. 

3. Your Gentle Voice is not nearly as effective as your Screaming Voice when breaking up fights between boys over the age of 4. In fact, you'll likely have to be brave and take some feet in the ribs and fists to the back as you subdue the little darlings. But at this age, your No Nonsense rule should be respected and if they insist on fighting they need to know that you'll resort to Drastic Measures. And DON'T BACK DOWN!!! Fights have a magical way of ending quickly when both boys are thrown out in the rain because you won't tolerate that behaviour in the house.

Those feelings of rage that our children experience are natural. Fighting is natural because it is the only way they know how to express their extreme emotions. It's through social conditioning that they learn to control their rage and frustration, and as they learn different ways to express themselves, the fighting declines. And I bet you dimes to donuts that while your traveling through those years with your children, your Gentle Voice will get a lot of rest.

My Boys Can Cook - Preschoolers in the Kitchen

My dad had a sweet tooth which meant I grew up in a household where cookies, cakes and ice cream were always part of the dinner menu. We weren't very old when Mom had us following recipes ourselves and responsible for the weekly baking.

So when my boys were small, it was natural for me to have them involved in the baking that I did on a regular basis. They loved stirring anything and everything, even if the bowl only contained one ingredient. Of course if one of them had something added, the other one had too as well, otherwise pandemonium was sure to break out.

When having children around the age of 3 helping you in the kitchen, you may want to keep a couple of things in mind:

• Make sure they are in their play clothes. They'll get flour on the front of whatever they're wearing so it's best not to have them bathed and in their p.j.s and headed for bed right after Baking Time. 
• I found cookie recipes worked best. They're easily mixed with a fork. One of my boys would be content stirring the flour etc. while the other was content stirring the butter and eggs. And they would switch periodically. As long as each one had their own bowl, they were happy. 
• Messes will happen so stay calm. Their little hands don't have the same coordination as us and it takes practice to learn to control their measuring skills and their stirring action. The important thing is the time you're spending together and their participation in preparing food. In the Big Scheme of things, it's no big deal if a little flour gets on the counter or on the floor. It's easy to clean up with a small brush and pan, which the kids can do anyway. 
• I always tried to work at their pace. Sometimes this meant doing other things in the kitchen while they continued to dig holes and build mountains with the flour or mix their 'cement' with the butter and eggs. They were fascinated by their ability to move the contents of their bowls with their forks so I usually tried to let this part last as long as they wanted.   
• Don't plan on sharing your baking. Many times we started making cookies that I intended to share with my neighbours, only to have some monstrous sneeze happen right over everything. I quickly learned that any important baking that was to be shared with the church or non-family members had to be done when the boys weren't home.  
• Count when you put the dough on the trays. When the boys were about 4, they were able to put the dough out themselves but when I was doing it, they would both sit on the counter and lean over the cookie sheet and point to where I was to drop the next spoonful. We would practice counting to 4 or 5, then start over again. The counting went higher when they were putting the dough out themselves.
• Have them clean up. We always did the cleaning up together while the cookies were baking. They put things away and swept the floor and wiped the counter while I washed the dishes. It was all part of baking. 

It is my hope that getting the boys into the kitchen at an early age will go a long way toward helping them establish an enjoyable, healthy and complex relationship with food and food preparation.