My Boys Can throw a fit! Understanding your child's tantrums

Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?

Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.

When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.

Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.

Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.

So what can you do about it?

Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.

Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.

It won't last forever.

My Boys Can eat what I eat. Not being a double standard parent

I've always been bothered by the expression "do what I say, not what I do". I didn't hear it a lot growing up thank goodness, but when I did I always thought it was ridiculous. The divorced marriage counselor, the overweight dietitian, the chain-smoking medical intern. Do what I say, not what I do.

I'm not a double standard person and I certainly wasn't going to be a double standard parent.

This was easy of course when the boys were very small. After all, a diet of breastmilk doesn't call for a lot of variety. But when they were older and teeth were visible and diets expanded to suit their growing bodies, there was potential for two sets of rules around food; one for my husband and I and one for them. Not the direction I wanted to go. I also didn't want the boys to develop any "food issues" that could lead to skewed perceptions and stresses and insecurities around eating. As far as I was concerned there were no bad foods, just bad amounts.

I've always had a sweet tooth, I've always eaten when I was hungry and I've always eaten whatever I wanted. None of that was going to change just because the kids were around. On top of that I was preparing for Ironman Canada so my calorie intake was impressive and constant. How could I tell the boys not to eat a row of cookies or a bunch of chocolate before dinner when that's exactly what Mommy was doing? 

Not being a double standard parent AND being a Yes parent (see my earlier post about being a Yes parent) went hand in hand rather well:

• when I ate, the boys ate. No matter what time I was eating I always offered the same food to the boys. At night after a ride, mid-afternoon after our rest, while we were making dinner, it didn't matter. If I was eating I was also offering the same food to them.
• no restrictions were placed on food. The boys would see me eating all sorts of things at any hour of the day. Any type of food was fair game and they had the same opportunities.
• most of the time, they would have a little of what I was having to "keep me company". But if they needed a proper meal, I would have them put their treats out first so they knew they could have them later.

And the result of doing this for years? Amazing. Neither one of my boys over-eats. They stop when they are full and since they eat the healthy things first, the stopping usually happens after a small bite of cookie or a few spoonfuls of ice cream. No foods are coveted over others. Since there were never any restrictions related to food and the boys always had access to whatever they wanted (though I would control the AMOUNT they had), things like chips and chocolate or cookies never developed the currency value of gold to be stolen and hoarded when Mommy wasn't looking. Even now when I'm eating these things and offer them to the boys they are more likely than not to say No Thanks.

In our house, food is not a bargaining tool. It doesn't control our schedules. It doesn't dominate our thoughts and emotions. It doesn't control our behaviour.

In our house, Food knows it's place. 

My Boys Can Listen. How not to nag your kids

Stop squawking and LISTEN!!

I've been around more than a few professional nags in my time and they are a hard bunch to listen to. Not only that, their nagging is pointless because they rarely get what they want from the person they are nagging. 

I don't nag my husband and I sure wasn't going to nag my kids. In my humble opinion, anyone who is constantly bombarded by a stream of instructions - be it nagging or otherwise - quickly learns to tune out ALL of it and not listen to anything. When the person doing the nagging is the parent and the child is tuning them out, the parent usually alters their tone or changes their language to get the child's attention. Things escalate.

So when the boys were small and I found myself asking them again and again and AGAIN to do things I suddenly realized I was turning into a nag.  Furthermore, our quiet peaceful household was being disrupted by ME who was doing all the yelling and screaming. 

I was turning into someone I didn't like and I wanted to stop it in a hurry.

If you catch yourself nagging your kids, you may want to try some of the tactics that worked for me: 

• tell your children about your new No Nagging Rule. Be clear! Look them in the eyes while you tell them. The boys were very small (about 2 or 3) when I implemented my own No Nagging Rule. I told them both "Mommy is tired of asking you to do things so many times. From now on I'm only going to ask you twice."
• be prepared to be ignored. Chances are they will ignore your No Nagging Rule just like they've ignored everything else you've said for the past 2 years. Stick to your policy. I always gave the boys choices (see my earlier post) but if I asked them twice to do something with no results, I would make the choice for them and step into action. Silently. If they asked me what I was doing, I would tell them that I asked them twice, they didn't listen to Mommy so now we were doing things my way. This always resulted in major protest as well as a lot of action on their part.
• be prepared for set backs. The boys would be great for very long periods of time. Months would go by with them listening to their choices and they'd make decisions and things like cleaning up and getting ready for bed would be smooth sailing. Then they would go back to ignoring me. I'd find myself asking them repeatedly to do things then the 'you're being a nag' alarm bell would go off and I'd have to start all over again by looking them in the eyes and explaining the No Nagging Rule. This cycle lasted for years but I always stuck to my policy of not allowing myself to turn into a nag.
• instead of repeating your instructions more often than your rule allows, ask them "What did I say?" They'll be able to tell you, believe me. If they aren't hopping into action, you'll have to take the conversation to the level of consequences. For example, the boys always prefer me to tuck them in rather than daddy. If I asked them twice to come and get ready for bed and they didn't listen, I'd tell them fine, daddy would tuck them in. Howls of protest but too bad so sad, I would not give in. For weeks afterward every time I said "Time for bed" they were there in seconds.
• they dish out what you serve so don't say anything to your children that you don't want said back to you. Thank goodness my husband and I don't swear so that's never been an issue but I've also been extremely careful never to tell the boys to "SHUT UP!!!" (even though I've wanted to on many occasions) because I don't want them saying that to me. Fair is fair. But what is very funny is now the youngest will say "Mommy, I asked you to make my sandwich and you're not making it. WHAT DID I SAY?" Yeah well.

A few days ago I asked the boys if they wanted a snack with their hot chocolate and since both ignored me their trays stayed empty. They wailed pathetically when they realized this but I said "I asked you and you ignored me so if you want a snack, get it yourself." They've been on point ever since and likely will be for months to come. 

Saying the same thing over and over is exhausting and constantly being ignored is hard on the self-esteem. But with a little fortitude and a lot of consistency, you can remain the normal person you love and not degenerate into someone you don't want to be like, for example, a professional nag.

My Boys Can make choices and live with the consequences. The benefits of being a Yes parent

When the boys were little, I was determined to be a Yes parent. Why? Because I was surrounded by No parents and I couldn't stand the way they talked to their kids. No you can't have that. No you can't do that. Don't touch that. No you can't go there. Put that down, you can't play with that. No No No.

I was taking a huge risk by being a Yes parent. I didn't know any other Yes parents and I certainly wasn't getting the support of my family who were all convinced I was headed for trouble. I didn't know if being a Yes parent was going to be one of my bigger mistakes in parenting because I couldn't exactly consult a crystal ball to see how the boys would turn out and there weren't any kids around who were products of Yes parents. I certainly wasn't.

But now I have some evidence to share and I'm thrilled to report that being a Yes parent was one of my smarter and more creative moves.

My decision to be a Yes parent was based on a couple of ideas I had about children in general;

• all children, even young ones, need a sense of control over their lives. There is so much in their worlds they can't control, I think it's important to give them freedom where you can.
• all children, even young ones, can make decisions. They can also learn about consequences related to their decisions. 

Being a Yes parent means giving your children choices. Use your choices to set the boundaries while saying Yes.

• when your kids ask if they can do something that makes you uncomfortable, fight your urge to say No. Think for a minute. Think up some choices for them that will keep them within acceptable boundaries then let them decide what they want to do. 
• keep choices very simple for very young children. When it was time to clean up the livingroom, I'd say something like "Do you want to pick up the blocks or pick up the cushions? Mommy's going to help too." Or if it was time for nap "Do you want to sleep on the rug here or in your crib? Mommy will bring your blanket if you like." You are meeting your own objective (cleaning up, getting them down for nap) BUT you are giving them choices as to how they are going to meet that objective. They decide. 
• agree with your children as often as you can. When the boys would say something like "I want 10 cookies" I'd say "Fantastic idea, they sure are good aren't they." We'd get out a plate, count out 10 cookies then I'd say "All these cookies are for you Honey but first let's have something healthy." They never ate more than one cookie after their lunch but the point is they were so happy being able to look at that pile of cookies that was all for them. They decided how many cookies they wanted and they also decided how many they would eat. Rather stressful for me but I was pretty sure they would only eat one, or maybe 1/2 a cookie before telling me they were finished and that's always the way it worked out.
• help them understand the consequences of their choice when they want to change their minds. Many tears would be shed if one told me he wanted the yellow cup rather than the blue one that he had chosen. A lengthy conversation would ensue while I explained that I had given him the choice of cup and he had decided on blue so his brother had the yellow one. He could choose the yellow one tomorrow if he wanted but right now he'll be using the blue one. Tough Mommy for not switching the cups? If I did that, how the heck would they ever learn to cope with the consequences of their decisions? 

Obviously I didn't say Yes all the time but I sure tried to when they were 2 to 5 years old and the results have been amazing. First of all, I've trained myself well so giving them choices remains an easy habit of speech. The issues are larger and the decisions are bigger but the boys still call the shots for the most part. "You want to eat 10 cookies? Then do the vacuuming AND shovel the driveway." 

Meeting my objectives. 

My Boys Can Cook - Preschoolers in the Kitchen

My dad had a sweet tooth which meant I grew up in a household where cookies, cakes and ice cream were always part of the dinner menu. We weren't very old when Mom had us following recipes ourselves and responsible for the weekly baking.

So when my boys were small, it was natural for me to have them involved in the baking that I did on a regular basis. They loved stirring anything and everything, even if the bowl only contained one ingredient. Of course if one of them had something added, the other one had too as well, otherwise pandemonium was sure to break out.

When having children around the age of 3 helping you in the kitchen, you may want to keep a couple of things in mind:

• Make sure they are in their play clothes. They'll get flour on the front of whatever they're wearing so it's best not to have them bathed and in their p.j.s and headed for bed right after Baking Time. 
• I found cookie recipes worked best. They're easily mixed with a fork. One of my boys would be content stirring the flour etc. while the other was content stirring the butter and eggs. And they would switch periodically. As long as each one had their own bowl, they were happy. 
• Messes will happen so stay calm. Their little hands don't have the same coordination as us and it takes practice to learn to control their measuring skills and their stirring action. The important thing is the time you're spending together and their participation in preparing food. In the Big Scheme of things, it's no big deal if a little flour gets on the counter or on the floor. It's easy to clean up with a small brush and pan, which the kids can do anyway. 
• I always tried to work at their pace. Sometimes this meant doing other things in the kitchen while they continued to dig holes and build mountains with the flour or mix their 'cement' with the butter and eggs. They were fascinated by their ability to move the contents of their bowls with their forks so I usually tried to let this part last as long as they wanted.   
• Don't plan on sharing your baking. Many times we started making cookies that I intended to share with my neighbours, only to have some monstrous sneeze happen right over everything. I quickly learned that any important baking that was to be shared with the church or non-family members had to be done when the boys weren't home.  
• Count when you put the dough on the trays. When the boys were about 4, they were able to put the dough out themselves but when I was doing it, they would both sit on the counter and lean over the cookie sheet and point to where I was to drop the next spoonful. We would practice counting to 4 or 5, then start over again. The counting went higher when they were putting the dough out themselves.
• Have them clean up. We always did the cleaning up together while the cookies were baking. They put things away and swept the floor and wiped the counter while I washed the dishes. It was all part of baking. 

It is my hope that getting the boys into the kitchen at an early age will go a long way toward helping them establish an enjoyable, healthy and complex relationship with food and food preparation.