My Boys Can throw a fit! Understanding your child's tantrums

Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?

Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.

When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.

Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.

Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.

So what can you do about it?

Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.

Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.

It won't last forever.

My Boys Can drive me crazy! Controlling your temper with your children

To avoid the misperception that my boys are well-behaved, enjoyable, respectful little darlings whose company is a delight every waking moment of the day, let me tell you nothing could be further from the truth. Sure I have the upper hand most of the time and I stick to my rules about being a Yes parent and not having double standards and making sure that work comes first etc. etc. but my own moods and my own level of tolerance for their antics can have a big effect on how things go day to day. Sometimes they can really bug the heck out of me. 

I can usually tell when I'm having an off day, when I'm particularly short tempered and am likely to throw a fit at the drop of a hat:

• something they do all the time suddenly drives me nuts. For example, normally they set the breakfast table even though I usually hear "Why do I have to do it?" but some mornings that question will make me want to scream. The first clue that I'm particularly edgy is the instant feeling of anger over something that's routine.
• my tolerance for their behaviour is zero. The horse-play around here is a mainstay and it's usually very amusing to watch because the little one can easily hold his own against the bigger one but some days even a little wrestling can be enough to make me throw both of them outside.
• my mood deteriorates during the day. I start out being a normal parent in the morning but by the end of the day I could put both of them up for sale. 

Learning to control my temper began very early in my marriage because I didn't want to fight with my husband. Besides, it was useless and unproductive (I did try a few times...). Controlling my temper with my kids however, was a different skill. I wasn't dealing with another adult, I was dealing with small children who could not defend themselves verbally or physically. When I get REALLY ANGRY with them I can totally understand why child abuse is so prevalent in our society. It takes determination and strength on the part of the parent to stop themselves from doing real damage to their child. And remember, those harsh words you throw are just as lethal as anything physical.

When I know I'm feeling short-tempered and edgy and something small has set me off, I tell the boys exactly how I'm feeling. "Mommy's not in the mood for any nonsense today so cut it out." Obviously there's a certain tone that goes with these words but the point is, I'm telling them exactly how I feel. 90% of the time they know me as a tolerant, patient, loving parent so they deserve fair warning when that's not the way I'm feeling.

I'll gain control of the situation. If it's something that has slowly escalated, I'll shut it down so the 'source of my anger' goes away completely. For example, they love playing in the kitchen sink but after a while when water is all over the counter and they've got their feet in the water and their shirts are wet, I will have had enough. Instead of flying into a rage which would be very confusing for them I get them out of there, dried off, changed and things cleaned up. I make the source of my anger go away.

Stepping out of the room is a tactic I use in those situations where I feel that rage welling up inside me and I don't trust myself to stay in control of my emotions. Walking into another room gives me those 3 seconds alone to tell myself to calm down or quickly find something else to fill my mind - a distraction no matter what it may be. I will stay away from the boys as long as I feel that overwhelming anger inside me.

Practicing self-restraint and controlling one's temper and being mature and reasonable and loving are very admirable traits that I don't have all the time. And judging by the number of children who are killed every year by their parents, I'm not the only one who struggles with self discipline. It takes a conscious effort, it takes self-control, it takes coping skills, it takes energy and effort, it takes determination. And I'm proud to say my boys have no reason to be afraid of their parents.

My Boys Can FIGHT! - Keeping the Peace in your Domestic Kingdom

Waiting for their bath

My parents never fought so I knew the kind of marriage I wanted. But fighting between my sisters could get out of hand and this was something that I was determined to prevent in my own household. 

When the boys were babies I would listen to parenting programs on the radio about how to be a calm and loving and 'lead by example' type of Mother. The horrors and the LONG TERM DAMAGE of physically disciplining your children was another popular topic and you were definitely a loser of a Mother if you couldn't use your Gentle Voice to smooth the rough waters of your home. And geepers, beware anyone who actually SPANKED their child for the full Wrath of the Law would descend upon you and deem you unfit while they rescued the poor babes from your inadequate care. 

Then my babies turned into toddlers and Peace left in a hurry.

When my boys fought, my creative and imaginative powers jumped into action so I could reclaim my peaceful household. And I learned a bunch of things over the years: 

1. Your approach to breaking up fights will evolve as your children grow. When toddlers around the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 years fight, it could be triggered by being overtired, hungry, a bump by their sibling, an uncomfortable diaper, a toy they can't reach, any number of things. Attend to the one who is crying (or crying the hardest!) first and look for obvious reasons for the breakdown. And don't waste your time if you can't figure it out. I can't count the number of times the boys would be playing nicely together for a long period of time when suddenly all hell would break loose for no apparent reason. When they are this age, put some space between them with your body and provide comfort to both. Attention from Mommy is the balm that's needed here.

2. When little angels around the age of 3 to 4 are having a tiff, wade in there and pull them apart. Break it up as fast as you can. Hoping and praying they will sort it out on their own is wishful thinking and only makes you look delusional. You need to get in there in a hurry and grab arms, legs, whatever you can to pry them apart. Once they are separated physically, you may be able to determine what set them off but unless there's a clear provocation by one, both children need to hear that their behaviour is unacceptable. 

3. Your Gentle Voice is not nearly as effective as your Screaming Voice when breaking up fights between boys over the age of 4. In fact, you'll likely have to be brave and take some feet in the ribs and fists to the back as you subdue the little darlings. But at this age, your No Nonsense rule should be respected and if they insist on fighting they need to know that you'll resort to Drastic Measures. And DON'T BACK DOWN!!! Fights have a magical way of ending quickly when both boys are thrown out in the rain because you won't tolerate that behaviour in the house.

Those feelings of rage that our children experience are natural. Fighting is natural because it is the only way they know how to express their extreme emotions. It's through social conditioning that they learn to control their rage and frustration, and as they learn different ways to express themselves, the fighting declines. And I bet you dimes to donuts that while your traveling through those years with your children, your Gentle Voice will get a lot of rest.