Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?
Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.
When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.
Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.
Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.
So what can you do about it?
Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.
Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.
It won't last forever.
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