My Boys Can Listen. How not to nag your kids

Stop squawking and LISTEN!!

I've been around more than a few professional nags in my time and they are a hard bunch to listen to. Not only that, their nagging is pointless because they rarely get what they want from the person they are nagging. 

I don't nag my husband and I sure wasn't going to nag my kids. In my humble opinion, anyone who is constantly bombarded by a stream of instructions - be it nagging or otherwise - quickly learns to tune out ALL of it and not listen to anything. When the person doing the nagging is the parent and the child is tuning them out, the parent usually alters their tone or changes their language to get the child's attention. Things escalate.

So when the boys were small and I found myself asking them again and again and AGAIN to do things I suddenly realized I was turning into a nag.  Furthermore, our quiet peaceful household was being disrupted by ME who was doing all the yelling and screaming. 

I was turning into someone I didn't like and I wanted to stop it in a hurry.

If you catch yourself nagging your kids, you may want to try some of the tactics that worked for me: 

• tell your children about your new No Nagging Rule. Be clear! Look them in the eyes while you tell them. The boys were very small (about 2 or 3) when I implemented my own No Nagging Rule. I told them both "Mommy is tired of asking you to do things so many times. From now on I'm only going to ask you twice."
• be prepared to be ignored. Chances are they will ignore your No Nagging Rule just like they've ignored everything else you've said for the past 2 years. Stick to your policy. I always gave the boys choices (see my earlier post) but if I asked them twice to do something with no results, I would make the choice for them and step into action. Silently. If they asked me what I was doing, I would tell them that I asked them twice, they didn't listen to Mommy so now we were doing things my way. This always resulted in major protest as well as a lot of action on their part.
• be prepared for set backs. The boys would be great for very long periods of time. Months would go by with them listening to their choices and they'd make decisions and things like cleaning up and getting ready for bed would be smooth sailing. Then they would go back to ignoring me. I'd find myself asking them repeatedly to do things then the 'you're being a nag' alarm bell would go off and I'd have to start all over again by looking them in the eyes and explaining the No Nagging Rule. This cycle lasted for years but I always stuck to my policy of not allowing myself to turn into a nag.
• instead of repeating your instructions more often than your rule allows, ask them "What did I say?" They'll be able to tell you, believe me. If they aren't hopping into action, you'll have to take the conversation to the level of consequences. For example, the boys always prefer me to tuck them in rather than daddy. If I asked them twice to come and get ready for bed and they didn't listen, I'd tell them fine, daddy would tuck them in. Howls of protest but too bad so sad, I would not give in. For weeks afterward every time I said "Time for bed" they were there in seconds.
• they dish out what you serve so don't say anything to your children that you don't want said back to you. Thank goodness my husband and I don't swear so that's never been an issue but I've also been extremely careful never to tell the boys to "SHUT UP!!!" (even though I've wanted to on many occasions) because I don't want them saying that to me. Fair is fair. But what is very funny is now the youngest will say "Mommy, I asked you to make my sandwich and you're not making it. WHAT DID I SAY?" Yeah well.

A few days ago I asked the boys if they wanted a snack with their hot chocolate and since both ignored me their trays stayed empty. They wailed pathetically when they realized this but I said "I asked you and you ignored me so if you want a snack, get it yourself." They've been on point ever since and likely will be for months to come. 

Saying the same thing over and over is exhausting and constantly being ignored is hard on the self-esteem. But with a little fortitude and a lot of consistency, you can remain the normal person you love and not degenerate into someone you don't want to be like, for example, a professional nag.

My Boys Are Polite. Teaching Manners to your Children

Mind your manners. Otherwise your...

Dad was British and born in 1920 when the attitude that children should be seen and not heard was still the mainstay. In our household of 6 kids, that rule also applied but probably more for the sake of Mom's sanity.

But I have to ask; how many times have you been talking with a friend when their child makes a little peep and your friend whips around like CPR might be required? 

Or you're having a conversation with an adult and their child comes running up and starts jumping on them and yelling "Mommy Mommy guess what?"

Children who have no manners well, I've always found to be annoying. Blame my upbringing, blame my lack of tolerance, blame my short temper but I can find no earthly reason why children should be allowed to be rude and inconsiderate to others. How much harder will it be to teach them appropriate social behaviour if they have established years of INappropriate behaviour? If they are constantly allowed to be the centre of attention, imagine the culture shock when they start school with 19 other children (also accustomed to being the centre of attention) and they suddenly have to put up their hand before being acknowledged or wait for the Talking Rock before they can speak.

Teaching manners to children is an ongoing process that I started early.

• have young children say Hello to your friends and neighbours. When the boys were very small and our neighbour was in their garden, I would call the boys to stand beside me and tell them what to say, eg. "Say good morning to Mr. Johnson". Interacting with other adults is new at this age and telling your children exactly what to say gives them encouragement and confidence.
• carry the conversation for the child. Give them cues, they'll likely need them. "Show Mr. Johnson your new bucket for the sandbox." Even if your child does not speak any further, they are learning to interact socially with a non-family member. 
• when out with your child and you meet one of your friends, include them at the beginning and the end of the conversation. "Oh look, here's Sarah. Say good morning to Sarah, Honey" and when you're leaving your friend, "Say bye-bye to Sarah, see you later". You've had your visit with your friend while being sure not to ignore your child.
• do not let your child interrupt your conversation with another adult. If the boys tried, I'd tell them "It's not your turn to talk" and I'd continue listening or talking with my friend. Be consistent. They always wanted my attention so they tried to interrupt each time I was talking with someone else. But letting them interrupt and take my attention away from the other person would have only reinforced their belief that they ALWAYS came first.
• show your child respect at all times. If I am speaking with someone in the school yard and one of the boys comes to stand beside me, I will stop my conversation and greet my child, ask them to say Hello to my friend then tell them to stand quietly while I finish. I've acknowledge my son within the context of my conversation without being rude to my friend or my child.
• children have important things to say. Teaching your child to participate in conversation means including them when it's appropriate and having them wait patiently when it's not. It's a balance. Diverting ALL your attention to your child ALL the time has consequences in their behaviour just like diverting NONE of your attention NONE of the time has consequences in their self-esteem.

It may seem silly talking about teaching manners to children but manners are an important skill to have. And they are always at the forefront of my mind whenever I come across those kids who are "old enough to know better" but have never been taught.