My Boys Can cry.

It always bothers me to see adults jumping around and waving toys in front of a crying child in a ridiculous attempt to provide a distraction so the kid stops bawling.

Crying makes us human. It's one of our defining characteristics. Think of another mammal on Earth that has the capacity to cry. Drawing a blank? Me too. So why does our society have such an issue with it?

This member of society has no problem with crying and I had no intentions of conditioning my boys to suppress such an important characteristic of our human nature. I saw no point in it. How could I tell them not to cry without sending the message that their pain was not important? They hurt, so they cry, but Mommy says don't cry, so Mommy doesn't care that they hurt? That's the reasoning I would take and I'm a lot older than 3.

Crying is such an effective means of communication that I would argue we spend a large part of our adult life trying to find socially acceptable words to replace it. A baby cries. Any Mother who has spent more than 24 hours with her child will easily name 3 to 4 different types of cries and in seconds she will know exactly what her baby is saying: I'm hungry; I have a stomach pain; I'm uncomfortable; I'm tired. Perfect communication in one crying sound.

Even though the type of crying and the reasons for it has changed over time, my response to the boys hasn't altered that much.  

• if they are upset enough to cry, then in their mind it's justified. Whether I'd be laughing on the inside or not, I always took their emotions seriously. I can't count the number of times the younger one came into the house holding his head and tell me he'd hit is eye on the van....
• acknowledge their reason for crying. Talk about it. Help them work through their emotions. Sometimes the tears were caused by physical pain and I'd tell them I knew how much it hurt, and sometimes it was emotional and we'd talk about their behaviour that lead to the crying. Whatever their reason, talking about it as the tears flowed let them know that I knew their pain was important to me and by extension, they were important to me. 
• give them time. I always let them cry sitting on my lap while I wiped their face. I'd give them as long as they needed. And usually it wasn't long. They wanted comfort and validation and they got it. They would calm down and we'd talk about what happened. They would recover quickly then be off and running again, all upset forgotten. 

When the boys were young I didn't react to their 100s of falls and when they saw that Mommy wasn't going to come running at every little bump, they'd just pick themselves up without a peep and continue playing. Even at the ages of 6 and 7 they will have some wipe outs that make me cringe but they think nothing of it.

When they cry though, I'm not telling them Shush Shush. I'm not bouncing them on my knee. I'm not trying to get them to talk or think about something else. I'm not running off for a favourite toy to jingle in their face. I'm not offering them a cookie or the chance to watch tv.

They want my time and attention and they've got it.

My Boys Can walk. Coping with comments from friends

One of the more persistent questions I had to survive regarding my young son was "Is he walking yet?"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, as the saying goes....

But seriously, I was asked that question A LOT. And I did my best to remain friendly and civil while I replied "No", but near the end I was ready to wring anyone's neck who dared to ask.

My son was born with a big fat head (just like Mommy) and a long skinny body (just like Mommy) which made him rather top heavy and incredibly flexible. For the longest time he never bothered to crawl because with the flip of his hips and a twist of his torso he could cross the rug to the toys, avoiding tables and chairs and couches with ease.

When he did decide to start crawling, he looked like that African lizard with his bum coming up to his shoulder on one side then swinging around to his shoulder on the other side as he darted across the kitchen. I took him to a play group at the library when he was about 12 months old and he was the only one who wasn't walking (and yes all the Mom's were sure to point that out to me in case I hadn't noticed my son didn't walk) but when he crawled across the floor to the toy box, the Mom beside me said "I have never seen a kid move that fast" as she watched him basically running on all 4s.

The art of movement. A baby will do what works best for them. I've heard of kids who were experts at rolling. They could roll anywhere. My son did that for a while. His skinny little neck muscles didn't stand a chance holding up that head of his so he'd twist and roll and contort himself where ever he wanted. It was fascinating watching him pass under the coffee table without EVER hitting it.

After a while, a baby will discover that crawling is a faster way to get where they want to go. And they will stick with it as long as it works. My son could move like lightning on hands and knees so why try walking? I wasn't concerned or bothered by the way he moved around and I certainly wasn't going to interfere by pulling him up before he was ready. So I bravely tolerated The Question and the shocked intake of breath that inevitably occurred each time I answered No. Then a new question came: "Aren't you worried?" After hearing this one for a while, I'd say "I'll worry if he's not walking by the time he's 5." That was sure to put a lid on further comments.

He started walking at 15 months. This was considered Late. Everyone hovered around to wait for the next developmental phase that must surely also be Late. Now I had new reasons to secretly roll my eyes as the unfolding of my child was microscopically charted by everyone but myself.

I never worried about the physical development of my son. I let nature take it's course. I had no interest in plotting Milestones and watching Development Phases and following Charts that said what he should be doing at so many months of age. I didn't pressure my baby to conform with the medical standards of the day. In my heart I knew he was fine and normal and I didn't give a hoot about what everyone else thought he should be doing.

When he was 6, I took him to meet the new dentist. She was very impressed with him on a number of levels and out of the blue she asked me "Did he start walking late?" I was so taken aback but I told her Yes. She said "I thought so. Children who did a lot of crawling are much better developed. Now they are getting kids in kindergarten to crawl around on the rug to help with their development because walking too early is not considered good."

It seems like the 'medical standards of the day' are aligning with 'letting nature take it's course'. I could hope.

My Boys Can sleep anywhere. A skill that lasts a lifetime

The knack to sleep anywhere under any circumstance is enviable. Vast amounts of literature attests to the fact that sleep issues plague a large proportion of the population and sleep-related research continues to be a well funded topic.

As a new mother, I was under pressure to implement society's more pervasive rules and regulations around infant feeding and sleep that happened to be in vogue at the time. To Schedule Feedings or to Feed on Demand. To Keep Them Up so they slept when it suited me or Let Them Sleep Whenever. After about 30 seconds of thought, my decision was made. I eat when I'm hungry and I sleep when I'm tired so why shouldn't they?

Happily, this was a smart decision to make though I didn't realize it at the time. My first boy was a very quiet little soul so a happy, content little baby on the rug would turn into a sleeping little baby without nary a peep. No matter where he was, if he was tired he would sleep. And I would leave him. 

My second boy was the exact opposite. Why was this kid screaming all the time? Why couldn't I comfort him? Why couldn't I calm him down? I remember being extremely frustrated, stomping down the hall, tossing him into his crib and stomping back to the livingroom. Immediate silence. Aha. So this one cried when he was tired. After I figured that one out by the time he as a year old I was much better at getting him settled in places other than his crib.

Today both boys can sleep anywhere at any time. And I wholeheartedly believe it's because I did not overly control their sleeping environment when they were little.

• let sleeping babies lie. If they are safe and warm there is no need to move them. They are learning to sleep in different locations. You'll love this when you travel and they have to sleep in places other than their own familiar room and their own familiar crib.
• let there be light. If they are sleeping in a bright room in the middle of the day, so much the better. Don't pull the curtains and don't make it dark for them. I bet we all wish we could sleep in less than dark conditions.
• let there be noise. If the radio or TV is on or you have to make some phone calls, go ahead. Resist the urge to creep around lest you disturb your sleeping baby. Having them sleep through noise will make your life a whole lot simpler. The last thing you want is a baby who wakes up early and exhausted just because the phone rang.

Learning to sleep anywhere at any time I truly believe to be one of the greater gifts I have given my boys. And I'll admit that I'm envious of their ability to fall asleep without being in a dark room under many blankets with earplugs in and the door shut. And God forgive anyone who phones.

My Boys Can Focus. The benefits of limiting the number of toys for your Toddler

I guess I'm the type of parent who would be considered a nightmare by the Toy Industry. Let me explain. 

When I had children, I knew what I didn't want.

I didn't want a kid who couldn't look at something for more than 5 seconds before throwing it aside and demanding something new. I wanted my kids to learn how to spend time with a New Thing. Examine it. Explore it. Be interested in it. Use all their senses to figure out as much as they could about it. Push it. Roll it. Drop it and pick it up again.

I wanted my kids to have an attention span longer than a millisecond, to be able to focus their attention, because in this day and age of over stimulation the importance of the power to concentrate seems to be overlooked. 

When they were babies, the first thing I did was stop the flood of toys right at the front door. 

• be firm with family. Everyone wants to give something to express their joy and happiness over the arrival of the new baby but if you're not careful, you'll soon be swamped with toys you don't need or want. I've been in homes that looked like a day care centre; toys everywhere and no evidence at all that adults lived there too.
• be specific with your requests. The last thing you want to do is hurt people's feelings. Have a list ready of things you actually need, including favours for yourself such as providing a casserole for dinner, coming over to spend time with the baby while you sleep, or doing some grocery shopping for you.
• be consistent. You'll have to go through the same routine with your family each birthday and Christmas but it will be worth it, otherwise your place will look like a toy warehouse. Also, I always told my family not to worry, I'd be delighted to spend their money later on things the boys needed. At that age, you're not going to get two summers wear out of the same set of clothes...

I don't remember having specific toys for the boys when they were babies. Anything I gave them was new to them whether it was a stuffed animal or a plastic block. They would sit on my lap and take as much time as they wanted to explore whatever it was they were handling. As long as they were interested in it, shaking, dropping and looking for it, they had it with them. Even when it seemed like they were finished, I would handle the toy next and we'd spend some more time exploring it together. This was working at their speed, taking their amount of time and extending it a little bit to establish those patterns of taking TIME with something.

When they were older and sitting on their own and crawling, they had a wider selection of toys but it was still a small amount by many parent's standards. Nothing was battery operated, their imaginations had full rein.

• the most played-with toys were little because they fit in little hands. The small Tonka trucks were played with for hours on end every day FOR YEARS. They never seemed to run out of ideas when playing with those trucks because their imaginations were in the driver's seat. 
• building blocks were a different toy every time
• they had space to play. The hallway was the racetrack, the pantry was their hiding place. They weren't restricted to a certain area of the basement.

Rightly or wrongly, I successfully managed to strictly control the number and type of toys that entered our house. It was still always two big cardboard boxes filled to the top when everything was put away, but compared to one lady's house where she had floor to ceiling shelving with labeled storage boxes full of toys from end to end, I did pretty good. 

And the boys? Both have exceptional attention spans. The 6 year old will sit with a 20 page Lego manual and patiently build his jets step-by-step following the pictures. This may take an hour or longer, depending on the model. The 7 year old will sit at the breakfast table and do all his homework at once. I can't take full credit for their ability to concentrate but suffice to say, I'm THRILLED that I had a hand in teaching them how to spend time and really focus on one thing at a time. 

Less Is More. Which doesn't make me at all popular with the Toy Industry.

My Boys Can FIGHT! - Keeping the Peace in your Domestic Kingdom

Waiting for their bath

My parents never fought so I knew the kind of marriage I wanted. But fighting between my sisters could get out of hand and this was something that I was determined to prevent in my own household. 

When the boys were babies I would listen to parenting programs on the radio about how to be a calm and loving and 'lead by example' type of Mother. The horrors and the LONG TERM DAMAGE of physically disciplining your children was another popular topic and you were definitely a loser of a Mother if you couldn't use your Gentle Voice to smooth the rough waters of your home. And geepers, beware anyone who actually SPANKED their child for the full Wrath of the Law would descend upon you and deem you unfit while they rescued the poor babes from your inadequate care. 

Then my babies turned into toddlers and Peace left in a hurry.

When my boys fought, my creative and imaginative powers jumped into action so I could reclaim my peaceful household. And I learned a bunch of things over the years: 

1. Your approach to breaking up fights will evolve as your children grow. When toddlers around the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 years fight, it could be triggered by being overtired, hungry, a bump by their sibling, an uncomfortable diaper, a toy they can't reach, any number of things. Attend to the one who is crying (or crying the hardest!) first and look for obvious reasons for the breakdown. And don't waste your time if you can't figure it out. I can't count the number of times the boys would be playing nicely together for a long period of time when suddenly all hell would break loose for no apparent reason. When they are this age, put some space between them with your body and provide comfort to both. Attention from Mommy is the balm that's needed here.

2. When little angels around the age of 3 to 4 are having a tiff, wade in there and pull them apart. Break it up as fast as you can. Hoping and praying they will sort it out on their own is wishful thinking and only makes you look delusional. You need to get in there in a hurry and grab arms, legs, whatever you can to pry them apart. Once they are separated physically, you may be able to determine what set them off but unless there's a clear provocation by one, both children need to hear that their behaviour is unacceptable. 

3. Your Gentle Voice is not nearly as effective as your Screaming Voice when breaking up fights between boys over the age of 4. In fact, you'll likely have to be brave and take some feet in the ribs and fists to the back as you subdue the little darlings. But at this age, your No Nonsense rule should be respected and if they insist on fighting they need to know that you'll resort to Drastic Measures. And DON'T BACK DOWN!!! Fights have a magical way of ending quickly when both boys are thrown out in the rain because you won't tolerate that behaviour in the house.

Those feelings of rage that our children experience are natural. Fighting is natural because it is the only way they know how to express their extreme emotions. It's through social conditioning that they learn to control their rage and frustration, and as they learn different ways to express themselves, the fighting declines. And I bet you dimes to donuts that while your traveling through those years with your children, your Gentle Voice will get a lot of rest.