My Boys Can walk. Earth hour plans, March 2011

This year with the boys being that much older, we've got alternate plans for Earth Hour tomorrow night. In previous years we've lit the candles and played card games, or forgotten the candles and played catch with the foam balls. It's amazing how much ambient light there is in the house, what with the charge lights from the phones, and digital clocks on the radios, microwave and stove.We rarely experience true darkness here the way I did in Malawi.

Earth hour is a much talked-about topic at their school. They were going to have special activities this afternoon which I'll hear more about when they come home. They are very excited about our plans to go for a walk tomorrow night, probably because I mentioned the hot chocolate we'd be taking with us. We'll walk the neighbourhood and talk about our beautiful planet and all the many ways we can care about it to make things better.

Enjoy your own Earth Hour. If the weather permits, maybe a walk would be a good idea for you too. For me, it will be a reminder of those 5 years I spent in Malawi where almost everyone got along quiet nicely without so many of our North American amenities.

My Boys Can throw a fit! Understanding your child's tantrums

Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?

Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.

When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.

Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.

Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.

So what can you do about it?

Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.

Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.

It won't last forever.

My Boys Can work first and play later. Teaching your children to delay gratification

Call me a skeptic but when I see today's kids with their cell phones, MP3 players, haircuts with expensive highlights, piercings, makeup and nice clothes, I think "Did you work for those things?"

Hands up those of you who remember saving your baby-sitting money for months so you could buy that new radio for your bedroom. Or calculating how many pay cheques it would take from your job at McDonalds earning $6 an hour to buy a new pair of jeans.

There are a whole bunch of blog topics related to work ethic, money management and the amount of value placed on material things but what I want to talk about now is the oh-so-important psychological ability to delay gratification. 

Work first, play later.

People who work first and play later know what it's like to sacrifice something of themselves to get something they want. Their time and energy, intellect, physical labour, whatever is required to complete the task at hand has value and hopefully the reward they receive reflects that. It's how the world works.

Teaching my boys that work comes first and play later prepares them for the real world. And as their parent ultimately that's my job. Giving them everything they ask for carte blanc without helping them understand the time, effort and money needed to provide those things gives them a completely wrong impression of the real world.

When the boys were very young, I involved them in whatever work I was doing whenever possible. Helping make the beds would mean getting the wrinkles out of a blanket or helping to set the table would mean putting out the napkins. At this young age, it was my language and doing things together that mattered. Their reward was the praise they received knowing they were being a very big help to Mommy.

When they were a bit older, about the age of 3 or so, I would let them see their reward first before we tackled the work at hand. If the reward was doing some baking (extremely exciting to both of them) or playing with a messy toy that only came out on occasion, the bowls would come out or the toy would be put on the table. I would give them their work instructions (usually cleaning up) and it would be completed in a jiffy because they could see what they were getting in return.

Now that they are 6 and 7, the work first and play later concept is well established. They will tell me they want to get all their homework done so they can play games on lego.com. Or if we talk about weekend plans, work and play are always discussed together because they know homework and reading has to be finished before we can do anything fun.

Sometimes I wish the world didn't work the way it does. In my lazy moments I would love to be handed gobs of money for nothing in return. But that's fantasy not reality. And I wouldn't feel I was doing a good job with my boys if I only showed them fantasy. 

My Boys Can make choices and live with the consequences. The benefits of being a Yes parent

When the boys were little, I was determined to be a Yes parent. Why? Because I was surrounded by No parents and I couldn't stand the way they talked to their kids. No you can't have that. No you can't do that. Don't touch that. No you can't go there. Put that down, you can't play with that. No No No.

I was taking a huge risk by being a Yes parent. I didn't know any other Yes parents and I certainly wasn't getting the support of my family who were all convinced I was headed for trouble. I didn't know if being a Yes parent was going to be one of my bigger mistakes in parenting because I couldn't exactly consult a crystal ball to see how the boys would turn out and there weren't any kids around who were products of Yes parents. I certainly wasn't.

But now I have some evidence to share and I'm thrilled to report that being a Yes parent was one of my smarter and more creative moves.

My decision to be a Yes parent was based on a couple of ideas I had about children in general;

• all children, even young ones, need a sense of control over their lives. There is so much in their worlds they can't control, I think it's important to give them freedom where you can.
• all children, even young ones, can make decisions. They can also learn about consequences related to their decisions. 

Being a Yes parent means giving your children choices. Use your choices to set the boundaries while saying Yes.

• when your kids ask if they can do something that makes you uncomfortable, fight your urge to say No. Think for a minute. Think up some choices for them that will keep them within acceptable boundaries then let them decide what they want to do. 
• keep choices very simple for very young children. When it was time to clean up the livingroom, I'd say something like "Do you want to pick up the blocks or pick up the cushions? Mommy's going to help too." Or if it was time for nap "Do you want to sleep on the rug here or in your crib? Mommy will bring your blanket if you like." You are meeting your own objective (cleaning up, getting them down for nap) BUT you are giving them choices as to how they are going to meet that objective. They decide. 
• agree with your children as often as you can. When the boys would say something like "I want 10 cookies" I'd say "Fantastic idea, they sure are good aren't they." We'd get out a plate, count out 10 cookies then I'd say "All these cookies are for you Honey but first let's have something healthy." They never ate more than one cookie after their lunch but the point is they were so happy being able to look at that pile of cookies that was all for them. They decided how many cookies they wanted and they also decided how many they would eat. Rather stressful for me but I was pretty sure they would only eat one, or maybe 1/2 a cookie before telling me they were finished and that's always the way it worked out.
• help them understand the consequences of their choice when they want to change their minds. Many tears would be shed if one told me he wanted the yellow cup rather than the blue one that he had chosen. A lengthy conversation would ensue while I explained that I had given him the choice of cup and he had decided on blue so his brother had the yellow one. He could choose the yellow one tomorrow if he wanted but right now he'll be using the blue one. Tough Mommy for not switching the cups? If I did that, how the heck would they ever learn to cope with the consequences of their decisions? 

Obviously I didn't say Yes all the time but I sure tried to when they were 2 to 5 years old and the results have been amazing. First of all, I've trained myself well so giving them choices remains an easy habit of speech. The issues are larger and the decisions are bigger but the boys still call the shots for the most part. "You want to eat 10 cookies? Then do the vacuuming AND shovel the driveway." 

Meeting my objectives. 

My Boys Can Focus. The benefits of limiting the number of toys for your Toddler

I guess I'm the type of parent who would be considered a nightmare by the Toy Industry. Let me explain. 

When I had children, I knew what I didn't want.

I didn't want a kid who couldn't look at something for more than 5 seconds before throwing it aside and demanding something new. I wanted my kids to learn how to spend time with a New Thing. Examine it. Explore it. Be interested in it. Use all their senses to figure out as much as they could about it. Push it. Roll it. Drop it and pick it up again.

I wanted my kids to have an attention span longer than a millisecond, to be able to focus their attention, because in this day and age of over stimulation the importance of the power to concentrate seems to be overlooked. 

When they were babies, the first thing I did was stop the flood of toys right at the front door. 

• be firm with family. Everyone wants to give something to express their joy and happiness over the arrival of the new baby but if you're not careful, you'll soon be swamped with toys you don't need or want. I've been in homes that looked like a day care centre; toys everywhere and no evidence at all that adults lived there too.
• be specific with your requests. The last thing you want to do is hurt people's feelings. Have a list ready of things you actually need, including favours for yourself such as providing a casserole for dinner, coming over to spend time with the baby while you sleep, or doing some grocery shopping for you.
• be consistent. You'll have to go through the same routine with your family each birthday and Christmas but it will be worth it, otherwise your place will look like a toy warehouse. Also, I always told my family not to worry, I'd be delighted to spend their money later on things the boys needed. At that age, you're not going to get two summers wear out of the same set of clothes...

I don't remember having specific toys for the boys when they were babies. Anything I gave them was new to them whether it was a stuffed animal or a plastic block. They would sit on my lap and take as much time as they wanted to explore whatever it was they were handling. As long as they were interested in it, shaking, dropping and looking for it, they had it with them. Even when it seemed like they were finished, I would handle the toy next and we'd spend some more time exploring it together. This was working at their speed, taking their amount of time and extending it a little bit to establish those patterns of taking TIME with something.

When they were older and sitting on their own and crawling, they had a wider selection of toys but it was still a small amount by many parent's standards. Nothing was battery operated, their imaginations had full rein.

• the most played-with toys were little because they fit in little hands. The small Tonka trucks were played with for hours on end every day FOR YEARS. They never seemed to run out of ideas when playing with those trucks because their imaginations were in the driver's seat. 
• building blocks were a different toy every time
• they had space to play. The hallway was the racetrack, the pantry was their hiding place. They weren't restricted to a certain area of the basement.

Rightly or wrongly, I successfully managed to strictly control the number and type of toys that entered our house. It was still always two big cardboard boxes filled to the top when everything was put away, but compared to one lady's house where she had floor to ceiling shelving with labeled storage boxes full of toys from end to end, I did pretty good. 

And the boys? Both have exceptional attention spans. The 6 year old will sit with a 20 page Lego manual and patiently build his jets step-by-step following the pictures. This may take an hour or longer, depending on the model. The 7 year old will sit at the breakfast table and do all his homework at once. I can't take full credit for their ability to concentrate but suffice to say, I'm THRILLED that I had a hand in teaching them how to spend time and really focus on one thing at a time. 

Less Is More. Which doesn't make me at all popular with the Toy Industry.