My Boys Can walk. Coping with comments from friends

One of the more persistent questions I had to survive regarding my young son was "Is he walking yet?"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, as the saying goes....

But seriously, I was asked that question A LOT. And I did my best to remain friendly and civil while I replied "No", but near the end I was ready to wring anyone's neck who dared to ask.

My son was born with a big fat head (just like Mommy) and a long skinny body (just like Mommy) which made him rather top heavy and incredibly flexible. For the longest time he never bothered to crawl because with the flip of his hips and a twist of his torso he could cross the rug to the toys, avoiding tables and chairs and couches with ease.

When he did decide to start crawling, he looked like that African lizard with his bum coming up to his shoulder on one side then swinging around to his shoulder on the other side as he darted across the kitchen. I took him to a play group at the library when he was about 12 months old and he was the only one who wasn't walking (and yes all the Mom's were sure to point that out to me in case I hadn't noticed my son didn't walk) but when he crawled across the floor to the toy box, the Mom beside me said "I have never seen a kid move that fast" as she watched him basically running on all 4s.

The art of movement. A baby will do what works best for them. I've heard of kids who were experts at rolling. They could roll anywhere. My son did that for a while. His skinny little neck muscles didn't stand a chance holding up that head of his so he'd twist and roll and contort himself where ever he wanted. It was fascinating watching him pass under the coffee table without EVER hitting it.

After a while, a baby will discover that crawling is a faster way to get where they want to go. And they will stick with it as long as it works. My son could move like lightning on hands and knees so why try walking? I wasn't concerned or bothered by the way he moved around and I certainly wasn't going to interfere by pulling him up before he was ready. So I bravely tolerated The Question and the shocked intake of breath that inevitably occurred each time I answered No. Then a new question came: "Aren't you worried?" After hearing this one for a while, I'd say "I'll worry if he's not walking by the time he's 5." That was sure to put a lid on further comments.

He started walking at 15 months. This was considered Late. Everyone hovered around to wait for the next developmental phase that must surely also be Late. Now I had new reasons to secretly roll my eyes as the unfolding of my child was microscopically charted by everyone but myself.

I never worried about the physical development of my son. I let nature take it's course. I had no interest in plotting Milestones and watching Development Phases and following Charts that said what he should be doing at so many months of age. I didn't pressure my baby to conform with the medical standards of the day. In my heart I knew he was fine and normal and I didn't give a hoot about what everyone else thought he should be doing.

When he was 6, I took him to meet the new dentist. She was very impressed with him on a number of levels and out of the blue she asked me "Did he start walking late?" I was so taken aback but I told her Yes. She said "I thought so. Children who did a lot of crawling are much better developed. Now they are getting kids in kindergarten to crawl around on the rug to help with their development because walking too early is not considered good."

It seems like the 'medical standards of the day' are aligning with 'letting nature take it's course'. I could hope.

My Boys Can sleep anywhere. A skill that lasts a lifetime

The knack to sleep anywhere under any circumstance is enviable. Vast amounts of literature attests to the fact that sleep issues plague a large proportion of the population and sleep-related research continues to be a well funded topic.

As a new mother, I was under pressure to implement society's more pervasive rules and regulations around infant feeding and sleep that happened to be in vogue at the time. To Schedule Feedings or to Feed on Demand. To Keep Them Up so they slept when it suited me or Let Them Sleep Whenever. After about 30 seconds of thought, my decision was made. I eat when I'm hungry and I sleep when I'm tired so why shouldn't they?

Happily, this was a smart decision to make though I didn't realize it at the time. My first boy was a very quiet little soul so a happy, content little baby on the rug would turn into a sleeping little baby without nary a peep. No matter where he was, if he was tired he would sleep. And I would leave him. 

My second boy was the exact opposite. Why was this kid screaming all the time? Why couldn't I comfort him? Why couldn't I calm him down? I remember being extremely frustrated, stomping down the hall, tossing him into his crib and stomping back to the livingroom. Immediate silence. Aha. So this one cried when he was tired. After I figured that one out by the time he as a year old I was much better at getting him settled in places other than his crib.

Today both boys can sleep anywhere at any time. And I wholeheartedly believe it's because I did not overly control their sleeping environment when they were little.

• let sleeping babies lie. If they are safe and warm there is no need to move them. They are learning to sleep in different locations. You'll love this when you travel and they have to sleep in places other than their own familiar room and their own familiar crib.
• let there be light. If they are sleeping in a bright room in the middle of the day, so much the better. Don't pull the curtains and don't make it dark for them. I bet we all wish we could sleep in less than dark conditions.
• let there be noise. If the radio or TV is on or you have to make some phone calls, go ahead. Resist the urge to creep around lest you disturb your sleeping baby. Having them sleep through noise will make your life a whole lot simpler. The last thing you want is a baby who wakes up early and exhausted just because the phone rang.

Learning to sleep anywhere at any time I truly believe to be one of the greater gifts I have given my boys. And I'll admit that I'm envious of their ability to fall asleep without being in a dark room under many blankets with earplugs in and the door shut. And God forgive anyone who phones.

My Boys Can throw a fit! Understanding your child's tantrums

Sometimes I wonder how such a huge amount of noise can come out of someone so small. Face as red as a radish, mouth wide open, glass-shattering volume. Did they really get all that from me?

Understanding your child's tantrums may take a little thought and investigation on your part but it's definitely worth the effort. If you can figure out what sets your child off, you're better equipped to help them cope with those situations.

When my oldest first started junior kindergarten, the tantrums and fighting that happened right after school were at a level I hadn't experienced with him before. I had no idea why his behaviour was so deplorable after school days. I spoke with his teacher because I wanted to know how he was coping in the classroom. She told me he was very quiet, very reserved, always followed instructions and was greatly distressed by the children who didn't behave properly. (There's nothing like a kindergarten teacher to see firsthand what those little 4 year olds had been getting away with at home.) But she was delighted with my kid because he wasn't a handful like so many of the others.

Ah ha. No wonder his behaviour was so "expressive" when he got home. An entire day's worth of frustration and confusion needed to erupt from his little person to help him process the stresses he had experienced in the classroom. And given his personality, any misbehaving in the other children would have been hugely upsetting to him. He kept his emotions under wraps all day, but when he got home where he felt safe he'd let all that frustration out.

Ultimately, tantrums are a way for your child to process those feelings and emotions that are overwhelming them. Their repertoire is limited at that age so they use what they've got. Full body thrashing, lashing out, screaming, hitting and crying are hugely effective in helping them release those pent-up feelings. Let them! It's a coping mechanism that works! When they are older, they will learn to express their anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways but at a young age, they need that physical release.

So what can you do about it?

Knowing what I was in for on school days did help a lot. I kept the younger sibling at a safe distance because he was a natural target. I gave the older one plenty of room to yell and scream. I gave him my full attention. I never tried to prevent his tantrums or suppress them. I never tried to control his behaviour. Surprisingly enough, this last tactic was the winning ticket. He was much faster at processing and releasing his anger on his own when given full reign to do so than he was when I tried to interfere. Instead of dealing with bad behaviour from him for hours his tantrums would be over in 20 minutes. When he was calm, we would talk about school and problems in the classroom. Once his emotions were out of the way he was able to communicate his feelings verbally and as he adjusted to school his tantrums disappeared.

Tantrums are an expression of anxiety, fear, anger and frustration over not being able to control their environment. As they grow, they gain self confidence and learn more appropriate ways to deal with life's challenges but in the meantime it's a good idea to let them express themselves the way only children can.

It won't last forever.

My Boys Can drive me crazy! Controlling your temper with your children

To avoid the misperception that my boys are well-behaved, enjoyable, respectful little darlings whose company is a delight every waking moment of the day, let me tell you nothing could be further from the truth. Sure I have the upper hand most of the time and I stick to my rules about being a Yes parent and not having double standards and making sure that work comes first etc. etc. but my own moods and my own level of tolerance for their antics can have a big effect on how things go day to day. Sometimes they can really bug the heck out of me. 

I can usually tell when I'm having an off day, when I'm particularly short tempered and am likely to throw a fit at the drop of a hat:

• something they do all the time suddenly drives me nuts. For example, normally they set the breakfast table even though I usually hear "Why do I have to do it?" but some mornings that question will make me want to scream. The first clue that I'm particularly edgy is the instant feeling of anger over something that's routine.
• my tolerance for their behaviour is zero. The horse-play around here is a mainstay and it's usually very amusing to watch because the little one can easily hold his own against the bigger one but some days even a little wrestling can be enough to make me throw both of them outside.
• my mood deteriorates during the day. I start out being a normal parent in the morning but by the end of the day I could put both of them up for sale. 

Learning to control my temper began very early in my marriage because I didn't want to fight with my husband. Besides, it was useless and unproductive (I did try a few times...). Controlling my temper with my kids however, was a different skill. I wasn't dealing with another adult, I was dealing with small children who could not defend themselves verbally or physically. When I get REALLY ANGRY with them I can totally understand why child abuse is so prevalent in our society. It takes determination and strength on the part of the parent to stop themselves from doing real damage to their child. And remember, those harsh words you throw are just as lethal as anything physical.

When I know I'm feeling short-tempered and edgy and something small has set me off, I tell the boys exactly how I'm feeling. "Mommy's not in the mood for any nonsense today so cut it out." Obviously there's a certain tone that goes with these words but the point is, I'm telling them exactly how I feel. 90% of the time they know me as a tolerant, patient, loving parent so they deserve fair warning when that's not the way I'm feeling.

I'll gain control of the situation. If it's something that has slowly escalated, I'll shut it down so the 'source of my anger' goes away completely. For example, they love playing in the kitchen sink but after a while when water is all over the counter and they've got their feet in the water and their shirts are wet, I will have had enough. Instead of flying into a rage which would be very confusing for them I get them out of there, dried off, changed and things cleaned up. I make the source of my anger go away.

Stepping out of the room is a tactic I use in those situations where I feel that rage welling up inside me and I don't trust myself to stay in control of my emotions. Walking into another room gives me those 3 seconds alone to tell myself to calm down or quickly find something else to fill my mind - a distraction no matter what it may be. I will stay away from the boys as long as I feel that overwhelming anger inside me.

Practicing self-restraint and controlling one's temper and being mature and reasonable and loving are very admirable traits that I don't have all the time. And judging by the number of children who are killed every year by their parents, I'm not the only one who struggles with self discipline. It takes a conscious effort, it takes self-control, it takes coping skills, it takes energy and effort, it takes determination. And I'm proud to say my boys have no reason to be afraid of their parents.

My Boys Can eat what I eat. Not being a double standard parent

I've always been bothered by the expression "do what I say, not what I do". I didn't hear it a lot growing up thank goodness, but when I did I always thought it was ridiculous. The divorced marriage counselor, the overweight dietitian, the chain-smoking medical intern. Do what I say, not what I do.

I'm not a double standard person and I certainly wasn't going to be a double standard parent.

This was easy of course when the boys were very small. After all, a diet of breastmilk doesn't call for a lot of variety. But when they were older and teeth were visible and diets expanded to suit their growing bodies, there was potential for two sets of rules around food; one for my husband and I and one for them. Not the direction I wanted to go. I also didn't want the boys to develop any "food issues" that could lead to skewed perceptions and stresses and insecurities around eating. As far as I was concerned there were no bad foods, just bad amounts.

I've always had a sweet tooth, I've always eaten when I was hungry and I've always eaten whatever I wanted. None of that was going to change just because the kids were around. On top of that I was preparing for Ironman Canada so my calorie intake was impressive and constant. How could I tell the boys not to eat a row of cookies or a bunch of chocolate before dinner when that's exactly what Mommy was doing? 

Not being a double standard parent AND being a Yes parent (see my earlier post about being a Yes parent) went hand in hand rather well:

• when I ate, the boys ate. No matter what time I was eating I always offered the same food to the boys. At night after a ride, mid-afternoon after our rest, while we were making dinner, it didn't matter. If I was eating I was also offering the same food to them.
• no restrictions were placed on food. The boys would see me eating all sorts of things at any hour of the day. Any type of food was fair game and they had the same opportunities.
• most of the time, they would have a little of what I was having to "keep me company". But if they needed a proper meal, I would have them put their treats out first so they knew they could have them later.

And the result of doing this for years? Amazing. Neither one of my boys over-eats. They stop when they are full and since they eat the healthy things first, the stopping usually happens after a small bite of cookie or a few spoonfuls of ice cream. No foods are coveted over others. Since there were never any restrictions related to food and the boys always had access to whatever they wanted (though I would control the AMOUNT they had), things like chips and chocolate or cookies never developed the currency value of gold to be stolen and hoarded when Mommy wasn't looking. Even now when I'm eating these things and offer them to the boys they are more likely than not to say No Thanks.

In our house, food is not a bargaining tool. It doesn't control our schedules. It doesn't dominate our thoughts and emotions. It doesn't control our behaviour.

In our house, Food knows it's place. 

My Boys Can get cavities

I love brushing my teeth so it was easy for me to get into the habit of brushing the boys' teeth when teeth started to arrive.

When they were around the age of about 4, we started the trips to the dentist. Initially it was to sit in the chair and have the hygienist take a quick look around, maybe use an instrument or two. At that point there wasn't anything going on with their teeth and I was delighted that the boys coped so well with the intimate experience of lying back in the chair and staying still while a strange lady poked and prodded.

So you can imagine my horror when my oldest was 5 and the dentist told me he had 7 cavities. SEVEN. I was stunned. How could that happen? My husband's insurance allowed visits every 9 months so it hadn't exactly been a long time since our last visit.

"Elaine" she said, "when my son was 5 he had 8 cavities." 

To be honest with you it never occurred to me that maybe she was a crappy dentist. She's a lovely lady and had always done a great job on my own teeth. She said it can just happen. It doesn't take much for food and sugar to do a number on baby teeth. 

We never have juice or pop in the house but we do eat the cookies and cakes we make. Obviously the brushing I was doing wasn't enough to prevent damage. Forewarned is forearmed so I ramped up the brushing and when my youngest was 5 he only had 2 cavities. Horrible but I'd seen worse hadn't I. About a year later we started using an Oral B Vitality spin brush. It's easier than using a manual brush and does a much better job. No new cavities thank goodness.

And I never thought about putting an end to the cookies and cakes....

My Boys Can work first and play later. Teaching your children to delay gratification

Call me a skeptic but when I see today's kids with their cell phones, MP3 players, haircuts with expensive highlights, piercings, makeup and nice clothes, I think "Did you work for those things?"

Hands up those of you who remember saving your baby-sitting money for months so you could buy that new radio for your bedroom. Or calculating how many pay cheques it would take from your job at McDonalds earning $6 an hour to buy a new pair of jeans.

There are a whole bunch of blog topics related to work ethic, money management and the amount of value placed on material things but what I want to talk about now is the oh-so-important psychological ability to delay gratification. 

Work first, play later.

People who work first and play later know what it's like to sacrifice something of themselves to get something they want. Their time and energy, intellect, physical labour, whatever is required to complete the task at hand has value and hopefully the reward they receive reflects that. It's how the world works.

Teaching my boys that work comes first and play later prepares them for the real world. And as their parent ultimately that's my job. Giving them everything they ask for carte blanc without helping them understand the time, effort and money needed to provide those things gives them a completely wrong impression of the real world.

When the boys were very young, I involved them in whatever work I was doing whenever possible. Helping make the beds would mean getting the wrinkles out of a blanket or helping to set the table would mean putting out the napkins. At this young age, it was my language and doing things together that mattered. Their reward was the praise they received knowing they were being a very big help to Mommy.

When they were a bit older, about the age of 3 or so, I would let them see their reward first before we tackled the work at hand. If the reward was doing some baking (extremely exciting to both of them) or playing with a messy toy that only came out on occasion, the bowls would come out or the toy would be put on the table. I would give them their work instructions (usually cleaning up) and it would be completed in a jiffy because they could see what they were getting in return.

Now that they are 6 and 7, the work first and play later concept is well established. They will tell me they want to get all their homework done so they can play games on lego.com. Or if we talk about weekend plans, work and play are always discussed together because they know homework and reading has to be finished before we can do anything fun.

Sometimes I wish the world didn't work the way it does. In my lazy moments I would love to be handed gobs of money for nothing in return. But that's fantasy not reality. And I wouldn't feel I was doing a good job with my boys if I only showed them fantasy.