My Boys Can make choices and live with the consequences. The benefits of being a Yes parent

When the boys were little, I was determined to be a Yes parent. Why? Because I was surrounded by No parents and I couldn't stand the way they talked to their kids. No you can't have that. No you can't do that. Don't touch that. No you can't go there. Put that down, you can't play with that. No No No.

I was taking a huge risk by being a Yes parent. I didn't know any other Yes parents and I certainly wasn't getting the support of my family who were all convinced I was headed for trouble. I didn't know if being a Yes parent was going to be one of my bigger mistakes in parenting because I couldn't exactly consult a crystal ball to see how the boys would turn out and there weren't any kids around who were products of Yes parents. I certainly wasn't.

But now I have some evidence to share and I'm thrilled to report that being a Yes parent was one of my smarter and more creative moves.

My decision to be a Yes parent was based on a couple of ideas I had about children in general;

• all children, even young ones, need a sense of control over their lives. There is so much in their worlds they can't control, I think it's important to give them freedom where you can.
• all children, even young ones, can make decisions. They can also learn about consequences related to their decisions. 

Being a Yes parent means giving your children choices. Use your choices to set the boundaries while saying Yes.

• when your kids ask if they can do something that makes you uncomfortable, fight your urge to say No. Think for a minute. Think up some choices for them that will keep them within acceptable boundaries then let them decide what they want to do. 
• keep choices very simple for very young children. When it was time to clean up the livingroom, I'd say something like "Do you want to pick up the blocks or pick up the cushions? Mommy's going to help too." Or if it was time for nap "Do you want to sleep on the rug here or in your crib? Mommy will bring your blanket if you like." You are meeting your own objective (cleaning up, getting them down for nap) BUT you are giving them choices as to how they are going to meet that objective. They decide. 
• agree with your children as often as you can. When the boys would say something like "I want 10 cookies" I'd say "Fantastic idea, they sure are good aren't they." We'd get out a plate, count out 10 cookies then I'd say "All these cookies are for you Honey but first let's have something healthy." They never ate more than one cookie after their lunch but the point is they were so happy being able to look at that pile of cookies that was all for them. They decided how many cookies they wanted and they also decided how many they would eat. Rather stressful for me but I was pretty sure they would only eat one, or maybe 1/2 a cookie before telling me they were finished and that's always the way it worked out.
• help them understand the consequences of their choice when they want to change their minds. Many tears would be shed if one told me he wanted the yellow cup rather than the blue one that he had chosen. A lengthy conversation would ensue while I explained that I had given him the choice of cup and he had decided on blue so his brother had the yellow one. He could choose the yellow one tomorrow if he wanted but right now he'll be using the blue one. Tough Mommy for not switching the cups? If I did that, how the heck would they ever learn to cope with the consequences of their decisions? 

Obviously I didn't say Yes all the time but I sure tried to when they were 2 to 5 years old and the results have been amazing. First of all, I've trained myself well so giving them choices remains an easy habit of speech. The issues are larger and the decisions are bigger but the boys still call the shots for the most part. "You want to eat 10 cookies? Then do the vacuuming AND shovel the driveway." 

Meeting my objectives.