My Boys Can FIGHT! - Keeping the Peace in your Domestic Kingdom

Waiting for their bath

My parents never fought so I knew the kind of marriage I wanted. But fighting between my sisters could get out of hand and this was something that I was determined to prevent in my own household. 

When the boys were babies I would listen to parenting programs on the radio about how to be a calm and loving and 'lead by example' type of Mother. The horrors and the LONG TERM DAMAGE of physically disciplining your children was another popular topic and you were definitely a loser of a Mother if you couldn't use your Gentle Voice to smooth the rough waters of your home. And geepers, beware anyone who actually SPANKED their child for the full Wrath of the Law would descend upon you and deem you unfit while they rescued the poor babes from your inadequate care. 

Then my babies turned into toddlers and Peace left in a hurry.

When my boys fought, my creative and imaginative powers jumped into action so I could reclaim my peaceful household. And I learned a bunch of things over the years: 

1. Your approach to breaking up fights will evolve as your children grow. When toddlers around the age of 18 months to 2 1/2 years fight, it could be triggered by being overtired, hungry, a bump by their sibling, an uncomfortable diaper, a toy they can't reach, any number of things. Attend to the one who is crying (or crying the hardest!) first and look for obvious reasons for the breakdown. And don't waste your time if you can't figure it out. I can't count the number of times the boys would be playing nicely together for a long period of time when suddenly all hell would break loose for no apparent reason. When they are this age, put some space between them with your body and provide comfort to both. Attention from Mommy is the balm that's needed here.

2. When little angels around the age of 3 to 4 are having a tiff, wade in there and pull them apart. Break it up as fast as you can. Hoping and praying they will sort it out on their own is wishful thinking and only makes you look delusional. You need to get in there in a hurry and grab arms, legs, whatever you can to pry them apart. Once they are separated physically, you may be able to determine what set them off but unless there's a clear provocation by one, both children need to hear that their behaviour is unacceptable. 

3. Your Gentle Voice is not nearly as effective as your Screaming Voice when breaking up fights between boys over the age of 4. In fact, you'll likely have to be brave and take some feet in the ribs and fists to the back as you subdue the little darlings. But at this age, your No Nonsense rule should be respected and if they insist on fighting they need to know that you'll resort to Drastic Measures. And DON'T BACK DOWN!!! Fights have a magical way of ending quickly when both boys are thrown out in the rain because you won't tolerate that behaviour in the house.

Those feelings of rage that our children experience are natural. Fighting is natural because it is the only way they know how to express their extreme emotions. It's through social conditioning that they learn to control their rage and frustration, and as they learn different ways to express themselves, the fighting declines. And I bet you dimes to donuts that while your traveling through those years with your children, your Gentle Voice will get a lot of rest.