My Boys Can eat what I eat. Not being a double standard parent

I've always been bothered by the expression "do what I say, not what I do". I didn't hear it a lot growing up thank goodness, but when I did I always thought it was ridiculous. The divorced marriage counselor, the overweight dietitian, the chain-smoking medical intern. Do what I say, not what I do.

I'm not a double standard person and I certainly wasn't going to be a double standard parent.

This was easy of course when the boys were very small. After all, a diet of breastmilk doesn't call for a lot of variety. But when they were older and teeth were visible and diets expanded to suit their growing bodies, there was potential for two sets of rules around food; one for my husband and I and one for them. Not the direction I wanted to go. I also didn't want the boys to develop any "food issues" that could lead to skewed perceptions and stresses and insecurities around eating. As far as I was concerned there were no bad foods, just bad amounts.

I've always had a sweet tooth, I've always eaten when I was hungry and I've always eaten whatever I wanted. None of that was going to change just because the kids were around. On top of that I was preparing for Ironman Canada so my calorie intake was impressive and constant. How could I tell the boys not to eat a row of cookies or a bunch of chocolate before dinner when that's exactly what Mommy was doing? 

Not being a double standard parent AND being a Yes parent (see my earlier post about being a Yes parent) went hand in hand rather well:

• when I ate, the boys ate. No matter what time I was eating I always offered the same food to the boys. At night after a ride, mid-afternoon after our rest, while we were making dinner, it didn't matter. If I was eating I was also offering the same food to them.
• no restrictions were placed on food. The boys would see me eating all sorts of things at any hour of the day. Any type of food was fair game and they had the same opportunities.
• most of the time, they would have a little of what I was having to "keep me company". But if they needed a proper meal, I would have them put their treats out first so they knew they could have them later.

And the result of doing this for years? Amazing. Neither one of my boys over-eats. They stop when they are full and since they eat the healthy things first, the stopping usually happens after a small bite of cookie or a few spoonfuls of ice cream. No foods are coveted over others. Since there were never any restrictions related to food and the boys always had access to whatever they wanted (though I would control the AMOUNT they had), things like chips and chocolate or cookies never developed the currency value of gold to be stolen and hoarded when Mommy wasn't looking. Even now when I'm eating these things and offer them to the boys they are more likely than not to say No Thanks.

In our house, food is not a bargaining tool. It doesn't control our schedules. It doesn't dominate our thoughts and emotions. It doesn't control our behaviour.

In our house, Food knows it's place. 

My Boys Are Polite. Teaching Manners to your Children

Mind your manners. Otherwise your...

Dad was British and born in 1920 when the attitude that children should be seen and not heard was still the mainstay. In our household of 6 kids, that rule also applied but probably more for the sake of Mom's sanity.

But I have to ask; how many times have you been talking with a friend when their child makes a little peep and your friend whips around like CPR might be required? 

Or you're having a conversation with an adult and their child comes running up and starts jumping on them and yelling "Mommy Mommy guess what?"

Children who have no manners well, I've always found to be annoying. Blame my upbringing, blame my lack of tolerance, blame my short temper but I can find no earthly reason why children should be allowed to be rude and inconsiderate to others. How much harder will it be to teach them appropriate social behaviour if they have established years of INappropriate behaviour? If they are constantly allowed to be the centre of attention, imagine the culture shock when they start school with 19 other children (also accustomed to being the centre of attention) and they suddenly have to put up their hand before being acknowledged or wait for the Talking Rock before they can speak.

Teaching manners to children is an ongoing process that I started early.

• have young children say Hello to your friends and neighbours. When the boys were very small and our neighbour was in their garden, I would call the boys to stand beside me and tell them what to say, eg. "Say good morning to Mr. Johnson". Interacting with other adults is new at this age and telling your children exactly what to say gives them encouragement and confidence.
• carry the conversation for the child. Give them cues, they'll likely need them. "Show Mr. Johnson your new bucket for the sandbox." Even if your child does not speak any further, they are learning to interact socially with a non-family member. 
• when out with your child and you meet one of your friends, include them at the beginning and the end of the conversation. "Oh look, here's Sarah. Say good morning to Sarah, Honey" and when you're leaving your friend, "Say bye-bye to Sarah, see you later". You've had your visit with your friend while being sure not to ignore your child.
• do not let your child interrupt your conversation with another adult. If the boys tried, I'd tell them "It's not your turn to talk" and I'd continue listening or talking with my friend. Be consistent. They always wanted my attention so they tried to interrupt each time I was talking with someone else. But letting them interrupt and take my attention away from the other person would have only reinforced their belief that they ALWAYS came first.
• show your child respect at all times. If I am speaking with someone in the school yard and one of the boys comes to stand beside me, I will stop my conversation and greet my child, ask them to say Hello to my friend then tell them to stand quietly while I finish. I've acknowledge my son within the context of my conversation without being rude to my friend or my child.
• children have important things to say. Teaching your child to participate in conversation means including them when it's appropriate and having them wait patiently when it's not. It's a balance. Diverting ALL your attention to your child ALL the time has consequences in their behaviour just like diverting NONE of your attention NONE of the time has consequences in their self-esteem.

It may seem silly talking about teaching manners to children but manners are an important skill to have. And they are always at the forefront of my mind whenever I come across those kids who are "old enough to know better" but have never been taught.